Total topics: 39
I am running for DART president. After looking at the state of the website, I saw that there are many issues that need to be dealt with. Although I never previously considered running, I realized that it would be arrogant for me to not consider it. Once I saw the current crop of candidates, I concluded that I must commence my candidacy.
Of course, every candidate must have a platform. My platform has the following planks:
- More fair and balanced vote moderation
- Dispensing with certain well-known pests who should have been banned ages ago
- Clearer rules of what constitutes targeted harassment
- Adding more checks and balances to the power granted to individual moderators
- Adding the office of Vice President (unless that was already added. I can't find the rules for the campaign)
- Adding the office of Site Engagement Coordinator
- Adding the office of Social Media Manager
- Adding the office of Disinformation Corrector
- Placing more limits on the propagation of misinformation, including:
- Warning members who share disinformation
- Placing notices below posts containing disinformation
- Moderation penalties for repeat offenders
- Investigations into the treatment of Vici and Bones
- Investigations into Wylted's corrupt offers of gift cards in exchange for votes
- Investigations into prior vote moderation practices
- Giving new users green coins to encourage involvement
- Introducing an optional verification system and blue check to users who pay $3.14 a month
- Banning people who track my Illuminati travels
- Building a firewall to keep out Canadian users
- Giving everyone one million elo points
I nominate Mharman as Vice President, RM as Site Engagement Coordinator, Wylted as Social Media Manager, and BrotherDThomas as Disinformation Corrector. My ego assures me this is a good idea, and the voices in my head will manage my campaign.
IT'S MY TURN!
(This is a joke. If nominated, I will not run; if elected, I will not serve.)
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DebateArt.com
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So, with the revelation of MASSIVE & WIDESPREAD FRAUD & DECEPTION in working closely with Big Tech Companies, the DNC, & the Democrat Party, do you throw the Presidential Election Results of 2020 OUT and declare the RIGHTFUL WINNER, or do you have a NEW ELECTION? A Massive Fraud of this type and magnitude allows for the termination of all rules, regulations, and articles, even those found in the Constitution. Our great “Founders” did not want, and would not condone, False & Fraudulent Elections!
Trump is saying, clearly and unequivocally, that he thinks that the Constitution can be terminated due to election fraud. Straight from the horse's mouth.
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Politics
According to reports, a man from Florida painted himself orange and announced his candidacy for President. He said in his speech, “Not many people know this, but I have been President before. I did a great job, really tremendous. Some say the best ever, better than Lincoln. I don’t know, but they say that, lots of people say it.” Many witnesses to the event asked him why he chose to paint himself orange. According to the Florida man himself, “Why do you hate orange? Orange is a great color. Sad!” After his announcement, a loud yawn of boredom was heard across the nation. “Again? I’m so tired of this guy already,” said one American, who looked suspiciously like an antediluvian turtle with a cocaine habit.
Many people are skeptical of the Florida man’s chances of victory, given his previous record. When asked for comment, he replied, “A lot of people keep saying that I lost the last election. Wrong! That’s fake news! That was a guy from New York. That wasn’t me. I don’t know him, but I heard he is a terrible guy, a big loser.” For some reason the news is also reporting on the reaction of a random old white guy who was found wandering around aimlessly. According to Mr. Random Wanderer, “What, who? Is that Corn Pop? Malarkey! Let me at him!”
Another Florida man was seen in the area of the incident with a massive grin on his face, but he quickly left to deal with Hurricane Libtears, which suddenly appeared as a result of the orange Florida Man’s announcement.
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Politics
The midterms are today. Go vote, then come here and post all your darkest fears, then watch the results come in, then cry hysterically about America's future. Ready? Here we go!
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Politics
Disclaimer: The below content
is entirely satirical. Any events described within it are not necessarily
factual. Any representation of any person, whether a site member or not, is not
intended to be accurate or in any way offensive. I wonder whether anyone
actually reads these disclaimers. Any use of negative terms or portrayal of any
person or site member is for the sole purpose of satirical humor and is not
intended to be offensive. I do not necessarily agree with any opinions
expressed below.
DART BARD
Edited by SirAnonymous
6th edition
NEWS
Illuminati
Deposes Puppet Ruler Airmax
By Conspi
Theo
Last month,
the moderation team removed DART President Airmax1227 from office on the
grounds that he had been inactive for months. Deputy Moderator Supadudz said
that “Airmax has not properly fulfilled his duty as
president”. This is, of course, a bald-faced lie. Airmax did indeed fulfill his
duty of being a puppet of the Illuminati. His disappearance from the site was
the plan all along. When the people demanded a president to represent them, the
reptilian mods had no choice but to go along with it. However, they hatched a
plan to sabotage the office of president and installed a known yes-man, Airmax,
who would do what they want. By having him stay inactive, they deprived the
members of DART of representation for an entire year. And they thought we
wouldn’t notice! We’re on to your tricks, Illuminati scum!
Conspi Theo is a biblical scholar and
scientist who lives on his own in the West Virginia forests, where he spends
his time attempting to track down new, large, bipedal species of apes. When he
isn’t researching, he operates a business that sells custom items made of
tinfoil, including a wildly popular series of hats.
Novice_II Closes
in on oromagi in Debate Rating
By Carl Engels
Just over five months after starting
his new account, Novice_II has reached, at the time of this writing, an
incredible debate rating of 1899, only 23 points short than the site leader,
oromagi. Oromagi has led the debate rankings for over three years, boasting a record
of 114 wins and only 3 losses. However, one of those losses is to Novice_II.
The pair have sparred twice, with each debater claiming a win. Perhaps more
impressively, Novice_II has achieved this level despite continually thumbing
his nose at the website bourgeoisie. His position as an uncompromising champion
of the proletariat has made him a controversial figure, and a true hero of the
revolution. In the background, users Intelligence_06 and RationalMadman are
also gaining rating. The anti-elite RationalMadman has once again passed 1800
rating and is quickly gaining on the leaders. We have a full blown fight for
the crown, comrades. Who will triumph? The upstart proletariat hero? The elite
member of the bourgeoisie? The Chinese prodigy? Or the fiery veteran? Only time
will tell!
Carl Engels is a writer from
California and the recently published author of Real Socialism: Why We’ll
Get It Right This Time.
Debates Debating
Debaters Divide DARTers
By Trum Porter
If you’ve been here long, you’ve seen
the recurring threads about who the best debaters are. This topic has once
again surged to the forefront as some users challenge whether the most highly
rated debaters on DART are any good. The most high-profile of these
conversations was in the debate “Barney is not a good debater”, in which
thinking conservative Vici OWNED and DESTROYED progressive soyboy Barney. Meanwhile,
oromagi has once again taken fire for his continual noob sniping and has been
EXPOSED as the DemoRAT loser he really is. Everyone knows the real champion is
SirAnonymous, who PROVED his dominance in this brilliant thread. Yup, this
complete pwnage is going on YouTube!
Editor’s Note: It
absolutely will not.
Trum Porter is an Oklahoma-based journalist
and the author of multiple books, including best-sellers Constantine: Making
Rome Great Again and Orange Man Good.
Opinion: This Is
the Most Important Election Of Our Lifetime… So Far.
By Grandpa Curmudgeon
Yup, here we go again. Tomorrow is
Election Tuesday, the only holiday where we all agree that we all hate each
other. And I tell you what, son, this is the most important election of your
lifetime… so far. Back in my day, we all voted. And guess what? We’re all still
voting, cuz modern healthcare made sure that we lived this long. But when we
voted, we had to go uphill, both ways, in the snow, past the lions, over the
alligator moat, and through the dungeons and dragons just to get to the voting
booth. And it was worth it because that was the most important election of our
lives. The next one was too. And the next one. In fact, now that I’m thinking
about it, I reckon that every election I’ve ever voted in was the most
important one of my lifetime. But you kids got it easy. The most you gotta remember
when you vote is that you have to bring your own water or ask the poll workers
for one. Such suffering, kid. So get out there and vote. It's the most
important election of your lifetime, so far. The next one will be too. You’ll
catch on.
Editor’s Note:
But seriously, go vote. Unless you’re not American. But only Americans are on
the internet, so that’s not an issue.
Grandpa Curmudgeon is the proud
grandfather of seven young rascals. He spends his days writing, thinking, and using
his cane to drive off annoying newspaper editors.
SPORTS
DART Mafia
Players Open Violin Cases After Conspiracy Theory Mafia
By ScumAnonymous
After a raucous game of Conspiracy
Theory mafia, the post-mortem arguments devolved into a Valentine’s day event. Pie
and RM were the first to open their violin cases and start emptying magazines
in each other’s direction after a spat over each other’s mafia skills – or, as
they might say of each other, the lack thereof. Other mafiosos joined in as the
situation spiraled out of control. Chicago Mayor Lori Lightfoot released a statement
warning citizens of the danger. “There is an ongoing mafia shootout, so please
be aware. I’d ask you all to stay in interior rooms away from windows, but everyone’s
already doing that, because this is Chicago, after all.” Thankfully, the drum
magazines on everyone’s Thompson submachine guns jammed, ending the shootout.
ScumAnonymous is a Chicago-based
mafioso and sports writer.
MEMBERS
Badger has posted a missing person notice for
FLRW.
Vici and Bones have been accused of
being alts. They came, they saw, they protested their innocence.
CLASSIFIED
I can’t tell you.
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DebateArt.com
No one has ever beaten me. I have beaten Mall. Mall won against Novice. Novice won against oromagi. Oromagi won against RM. Between the 3 of them, Novice, oromagi, and RM have beaten at least half the users on the website. By the transitive property of debating, I am the best debater on the website.
And this is why the transitive property doesn't apply to competitions.
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DebateArt.com
At the rate he's going, I think he will. It's been a while since we had an actual competition for the #1 spot. Should be interesting to watch.
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People
This probably happened a while ago, but I just saw that both Novice and Intelligence have passed 1800 debate rating. Congratulations!
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DebateArt.com
The title of this post is a question often posed by flat earthers to challenge the idea of a round earth. Because of its association with flat earthers, this question is often laughed at. I find this to be a shame, because its a quite interesting question. It also gives me the chance to do math and show off how smart I am!
I am going to start by answering a similar but related question. The earth is orbiting the sun at 66,660 mph [1]. Why doesn't the sheer speed of that orbit leave us all behind in the vacuum of space? The answer is inertia. Inertia is described in Newton's First Law of Motion: "An object at rest tends to stay at rest and an object in motion tends to stay in motion, unless acted upon by an outside force." How does that answer the question? Well, think about an airplane. Commercial airliners fly at about 600 mph. Do the passengers spend the entire flight pressed back into their seats at 600 mph? If one of them stepped out into the aisle, would he be propelled to the back of the airplane at 600 mph? No. Why? Because while the plane is moving at 600 mph, so are the passengers, the air in the cabin, and everything else in the plane. No additional force is required to keep them moving at that speed because of inertia. They will continue moving at 600 mph until acted upon by an outside force, i.e., the plane slowing down. In fact, if the plane were to vanish, they would continue moving at 600 mph until coming to an unpleasant stop due to the outside force of the ground. Military bombers have to account for this when they drop bombs. The bombs will keep moving at the speed of the airplane, so they have to calculate how far ahead of the target they need to be for their bombs to hit the target.
However, returning to the airliner, the passengers will be pressed back into their seats when the plane initially accelerates to 600 mph. This is because of Newton's Second Law of Motion, which states that Force = Mass * Acceleration. This tells us that force is only present when there is acceleration, and vice versa. So while the plane is accelerating, force is exerted on the passengers. While the plane is at a constant speed, no force is exerted on the passengers, and they are free to move about the cabin and eat disgusting airline food. Importantly, these effects are the same no matter what the speed is. A train traveling at 40 mph or a car traveling at 70 mph will have the same effects. This continues to be true no matter how large the number is. Inertia holds true whether you are traveling at one millimeter per millenia or 100,000 miles per second.
Returning to the question (finally!), we don't fly off the earth even though it is orbiting at 66,660 mph because it is traveling at a constant speed. If it were accelerating in some direction, we would feel a force. However, it is traveling at a constant speed, so we don't notice it.
Now, five paragraphs in, to the main topic. (Internet knights just love the sound of their own voice, don't they?) If the earth is spinning, that introduces a new consideration: rotation. Due to inertia, an object traveling in a straight line will continue traveling in a straight line, not a circle. So if the earth is spinning at 1000 mph, it should have left us behind long ago, right? Wrong. The big number of 1000 mph (1037.5646 if you want to be pedantic) looks impressive and scary. But when you do the math, it's anything but. Yes, the earth is spinning, but only once a day. That's 360 degrees per day, or 15 degrees per hour, or 0.25 degrees per minute, or 0.00417 degrees per second. So if we take your current velocity to be moving at an angle of 0 degrees, you are currently moving at 1037 mph at 0 degrees. Next second, you will be moving at 1037 mph at 0.00417 degrees, then at 0.00834 degrees, then at 0.01251 degrees, and so on. Notice what's happening? You're traveling at a constant speed, and your direction is barely changing. Going back to the plane example, if the pilot turned the plane 0.25 degrees every minute, would you notice? Not in the least.*
*Technically, you could if you put a level on the floor. Since planes bank in order to turn, you would notice the floor was slightly off level. However, my point is that you wouldn't feel your direction changing.
Intuitively, it's already clear why we don't fly off the earth. It's spinning so slowly that we can't even feel our direction changing, although we can measure it. But, for completeness sake, let's calculate how much acceleration we're all undergoing due to the earth's rotation. Let's also do the calculation in metric, because it's easier. The equation for centripetal force if acceleration = velocity squared / radius [2]. The earth has a radius of 6,378,000 meters, and it is rotating at 1,669.8 km/h or 463.83 meters / second. This gives us a centripetal acceleration of 0.0337 meters per second squared. That giant 1000 mph figure turned into a fraction of a fraction.
For the fun of it, let's find out how much force it would take to hold your average overweight American to the earth if gravity didn't exist. Suppose the overweight American weighs 100 kg. We can use Newton's Second Law of F=ma to find the answer of 3.37 Newtons, or 0.758 pounds. A quarter inch polyester ropecan hold 400 pounds, which is over 400 times stronger than needed [3]. So our conclusion is this: if gravity didn't exist, you could counter the acceleration of earth's rotation indefinitely using nothing more than string.
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Science and Nature
Disclaimer: The below content is entirely satirical. Any events described within it are not necessarily factual. Any representation of any person, whether a site member or not, is not intended to be accurate or in any way offensive. I wonder whether anyone actually reads these disclaimers. Any use of negative terms or portrayal of any person or site member is for the sole purpose of satirical humor and is not intended to be offensive. I do not necessarily agree with any opinions expressed below.
DART BARD
Edited by SirAnonymous
5th edition
NEWS
End of an Era: Users Preserve DDO History as Juggle Shuts It Down
By Environmental Wacko
One week ago, Debate.org, commonly referred to as DDO, was shut down by its controversial owner, Juggle. For years, DDO was home to a thriving indigineous community of debaters. After being acquired by Juggle, the website sank into a sea of spam and trolls, prompting the majority of users to jump ship. Rather than attempt to conserve this natural landmark, Juggle decided to attack the online debating environment by shutting the website down. In response, a variety of environmental activists banded together to preserve the legacy of their former habitat. Mharman set up a DDO history server that, among other things, included data from hundreds of mafia games. Meanwhile, USBurning archived the website’s debates, forums, profiles, and polls. While the environment-haters hold positions of power today, they will never win. It is up to us to ensure that the online debating environment will live on!
Environmental Wacko is a climate activist, blogger, and professional basket-weaver.
Report: Former DDO Trolls Struggle to Move on After Debate Bridge Collapses
By Carl Engels
After DDO’s descent into irrelevance, it became home to an unending stream of trolls sheltering under its bridge. Now that the bourgeoisie at Juggle have taken down the website, these trolls have suddenly found themselves without a home. According to reports, this had led to severe cases of anxiety, depression, and turning into stone after exposure to daylight. Comrades, we must help our proletariat brothers. Without the ability to promote conspiracy theories denying the existence of viruses or home-health remedies that would make even Gwynneth Paltrow retch or even openly promoting pedophilia, these trolls may be forced to do something other than spew lies, insults, and advertisements. Why, horror of horrors, they might be forced to enter the slavery and oppression of capitalism and - gasp- get a job! In fact, they might even -
“I don’t need your sympathy, you molon-labe screaming eel biting cataract with a rotund ball-bearing vanilla-rotten teeny bopper! That’s just your miss-steak, you hateful…”
Ahem! Actually, on second thought, maybe getting off the internet would be good for them.
Carl Engels is a writer from California and the recently published author of Real Socialism: Why We’ll Get It Right This Time.
DART Bard Editor Pretends That His Paper is Still Relevant
By Grandpa Curmudgeon
Oh look, guess who’s back. Yup, it’s that guy who thinks he’s sooo funny that he writes a paper called the DART Bard. Just you watch that punk pretend that no one noticed he and his crummy paper disappeared for months. That rapscallion is just going to pretend that his paper is still relevant, isn’t he? Well, back in my day, if you opened a business, you worked. When I was yer age, I didn’t slack off and miss work. No sirree, I was there every day from sunup to sundown working. But now you can just disappear from work for a year and then come back like you never left? Kids these days. Irresponsable, lazy slackers. And then here comes this “editor” pretending that people will still care about his paper. Yup, you see him, sonny? That right there is what we used to call a failure.
Grandpa Curmudgeon is the proud grandfather of seven young rascals. He spends his days writing, thinking, and throwing his dentures at lazy losers - Yipe!
RationalMadman Foils Illuminati and Reaches Second Place on Leaderboard
By Conspi Theo
After climbing up the debate leaderboard, former King of the Hill RationalMadman recently reached second place on the leaderboard. His rating peaked at 1800, making him the second debater to reach the mark, following only the legendary shapeshifting reptilian oromagi. He has also passed 400 debates. But the Illuminati isn’t finished yet, friends! They’ve sabotaged RM and brought him back down to third! It’s clear that they’ve corrupted the moderators and are trying to claim the leaderboard for themselves. They’ve obviously used chemtrails to brainwash voters into voting against him. You all need to wake up, sheeple!
Conspi Theo is a biblical scholar and scientist who lives on his own in the West Virginia forests, where he spends his time attempting to track down new, large, bipedal species of apes. When he isn’t researching, he operates a business that sells custom items made of tinfoil, including a wildly popular series of hats.
Opinion: Chuck Norris Doesn’t Lose Debates. Debates Lose Chuck Norris.
By ScumAnonymous
Currently, users Conservallectual and Intelligence06 are debating whether Chuck Norris is the most powerful man in the universe. As interesting as that topic is, I think it brings us all to an even more interesting and important topic: Chuck Norris doesn’t lose debates. Debates lose Chuck Norris. The first part is obvious. Chuck Norris has a grand total of zero debate losses on DART. That’s better than oromagi, pal. And this is because, as we all know, Chuck Norris is the most powerful force in the universe. So if you’ve lost a debate, then obviously you don’t have the most powerful force in the universe. You’ve lost Chuck Norris. So if you want to win debates, then harness your inner Chuck Norris and roundhouse kick your opponent’s arguments straight through the plot armor and back into the future!
ScumAnonymous is a Chicago-based mafioso and sports writer.
Opinion: Missing Max
By Trump Porter
DART’s first elected president, airmax1227, has only made one post in the last four months. That makes him even sleepier than Sleepy Joe. What this clearly shows is that the presidential experiment has been a failure. The opponents of the office were correct. DART has no president. DART needs no president. No, ladies and gentleman, Republicans and DemoRATS, DART needs A KING. A king with the energy of Trump, the policies of America’s greatest president, the fighting spirit of The Donald. That’s right, folks. What DART needs is King Donald the Orange. Make DART Great Again!
Trum Porter is an Oklahoma-based journalist and the author of multiple books, including best-sellers Constantine: Making Rome Great Again and Orange Man Good.
SPORTS
Mafia Returns to DART
By ScumAnonymous
After months of inactivity in the forum games section, mafia has reasserted its presence on DART. Mharman is currently running an NFL mafia game, and WyIted has sign-up for a World Series of Poker game. As exciting as it is to see the game return to DART, it is a testimony to the fear-inducing reputation of the mafia that the game was absent for so long. Town cowered in terror at the mention of mafia! The mafia laughed and scorned town’s pathetic attempts to find them out! Now, with mafia’s return, we will once again terrorize the town! Muahahahaha!
Editor’s Note: The opinions expressed above belong to the author and do not represent the opinions of this newspaper. What could have possessed me to hire a mafioso to report on mafia games?
ScumAnonymous is a Chicago-based mafioso, sports writer, and deranged lunatic.
MEMBERS
Mall has returned to DART.
Novice has switched to his new account Novice_II, and Wylted has made a new account called WyIted, which has a capital i, not a lowercase L.
Untotalgenio, jamezrevenge, and MrDemographic2050 have joined the website. Please welcome them!
CLASSIFIED
RationalMadman is letting people know what he thinks whiteflame thinks about them. Go join the fun!
WyIted is looking for players in the World Series of Poker mafia! Let him know that you’re all in!*
*I may have stolen that joke from Mharman. Maybe. Possibly.
If you want to submit story suggestions or even complete stories to the DART, feel free to PM the editor!
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DebateArt.com
I haven't done one of these in a while. Ask me anything.
I may even answer.
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Personal
This makes him the second person to do so. Congratulations!
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People
Headline on the BBC:
Man dressed as old woman throws cake at Mona Lisa.
The news has turned into Mad Libs.
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Current events
I have a question for you all on how to interpret the phrase "breathing expert." Barney and Novice had a debate about whether Derek Chauvin is a racist. After I voted, I found out that my interpretation of a phrase in that debate is not as universal as I thought. So here's a quick question for you all.
Read the following paragraph from the debate.
"During the murder, DC was told 27 separate times by a breathing expert with 46 years’ experience, that the victim could not breath; the expert was African American, and DC wholly ignored the advice. Another breathing expert with 26 years’ experience (fellow officer Alexander Kueng) likewise advised DC that George Floyd no longer had a pulse, also an African American and was of course ignored [4]. Had DC respected superior knowledge when it comes from African Americans, he would not be in prison and George Floyd would still be alive."
Poll Questions:
1) Who are the breathing experts in question?
2) Does this paragraph imply that the breathing experts in question are medical professionals?
3) Is this a correct use of the term "breathing expert"?
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Politics
To my nephew,
It's coming again: Thanksgiving, one of the few times you get to see your least favorite uncle. You aren't looking forward to it, but I most certainly am. I'll walk in the door proudly wearing my MAGA hat and pretend to be surprised by your cousin's fiance. I'll say, "That, erm, dark-skinned man, was he invited?" And you'll stand there and die inside. My brother - your dad - will glare at me fiercely, but I'll just pretend I don't notice. We'll sit down at the table for dinner. Your dad will pray over the meal, and I'll make a point of saying "Amen!" just a little too loudly when he's done. As we eat, your mom will ask us to say what we're most thankful for. Everyone else will say something happy and cliche like family or being together. But like the good patriot I am, I'll loudly proclaim that I'm thankful that Trump is fighting back against the deep state's coup to steal the election. Boy, that's gonna be fun! We'll argue until we're blue in the face. I'll be sure to send plenty of leering looks at your mom as she holds her head in her hands, silently wishing she hadn't invited me. I'll go off on a rant about how them stupid libs want all those illegal Mexican invaders to vote. Your dad will somehow get me to leave the table so he can talk to me in private. Of course, everyone will know that he'll be telling me to quit talking about politics. Of course, I'll pretend to agree. Of course, as soon as I step back into the room, I'll say that I'll be leaving early. Of course, I'll be sure to take a parting shot about the "gay agenda" as I head out the door. I'll be laughing as I leave, knowing that your purple-haired crazy SJW Aunt Claire is going to lecture you in a super-triggered, shrill tone about what a deplorable bitter clinger I am. For. Three. Hours. If you thought I was crazy, just wait till she starts femi-splaining nutty denunciations of me, the Republican party, and alt-right neo-Nazis - which to her are indistinguishable. And that will complete another successful Thanksgiving. After all, what better way to give thanks than to divide the family with hyperpartisan talking points? Sure, you may hate me now and wish I wasn't part of the family. But, let me tell you, kid, when you've lived as long as I have and drank as many beers as I have - okay, that second one probably isn't possible - you'll realize that I was right about those commies all along. Don't worry. You'll learn. But you'll hate me for every minute of it.
Sincerely,
Your crazy conservative Uncle.
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Miscellaneous
The first votes are being counted. Now we will see if the polls are right or the silent majority materializes.
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Politics
I've been thinking about making this topic for a while, but I never had the time or the words. Thankfully, Dan McClaughlin had both. So here is the conservative case against voting for Trump (though not for Biden).
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Politics
Disclaimer: The below content is entirely satirical. Any events described within it are not necessarily factual. Any representation of any person, whether a site member or not, is not intended to be accurate or in any way offensive. I wonder whether anyone actually reads these disclaimers. Any use of negative terms or portrayal of any person or site member is for the sole purpose of satirical humor and is not intended to be offensive. I do not necessarily agree with any opinions expressed below.
DART BARD
Edited by SirAnonymous
4th edition
“To everyone legitimately taking this post seriously, thank you the most for your brilliant obliviousity.” - MisterChris
NEWS
Breaking News: Arrogant Punk Foolishly Tries to Compete with the Bard
By Grandpa Curmudgeon.
I just been down to the Post Office, and what do I see but some young punk tryin’ to compete with the DART Bard. Intelligence_06 – a rather ironic name, I do think – has started a satire paper called On the Bullseye. Yeah, punk, that’s exactly where my cane is headed. This young rip even markets his rag by saying, “You are looking at the main competitor of SirAnonymous' DART Bard, except, things here will always be more realistic, more reliable, and more anonymous than DART Bard.” Kids these days got no respect. No, they’re all trying to compete with established, respectable institutions like the Bard, thinking they can do better with all their new ideas. Listen, sonny, you got a lot to learn. All your big ideas ain’t gonna get you nowhere. New ideas never succeed; they’re never funny; they’re never worth working hard on and learning. I been here on this planet for many years now, and I ain’t never seen a new idea that was a good one. All you young lads can do what you like, but definitely don’t waste your time reading fresh satire with fresh ideas and fresh perspectives. It’s not worth your while, let me tell you that.
Grandpa Curmudgeon is the proud grandfather of seven young rascals. He spends his days writing, thinking, and using his cane to teach lessons to bothersome peop– OW!
Report: Mike Prepares Website for the Inevitable Flood of Post-Election Tears
By ScumAnonymous.
According to sources, debateart.com owner Mike is preparing the website for an incoming influx of post-election tears. The United States presidential election is only two days away, and the website will need to be at its strongest to withstand this flood. Sources from across the political spectrum affirm that this is the most important election of our lifetimes (until the next election), which means that a flood of catastrophic intensity is expected. It is currently unclear whether these tears will be liberal or conservative tears. Our sources confirm that Mike is ready for either possibility. The type of tears could be a major issue, experts say. Liberal tears tend to be accompanied by loud screaming at the sky, demands for safe spaces, and mostly peaceful protests. Conservative tears, on the other hand, are more likely to be accompanied by mental breakdowns as Trump’s ardent supporters will be forced to come to terms with a situation they’ve refused to consider possible. However, experts are confidently predicting that there won’t be any third-party, independent, or Never-Trump tears. Despite the fact that their political beliefs dictate that they constantly lose, so they should be constantly crying, experts say they will be too busy preening themselves on their moral superiority over major-party voters to waste time crying.
ScumAnonymous is a Chicago-based mafioso and sports writer.
Intelligence_06 Falls out of the Top 5 as MisterChris Jumps to Number 4
By Trum Porter
After three consecutive losses, Intelligence_06 has dropped out of the Top 5. Before his losing streak, he had blazed a fast path to the Top 5, taking less than three months to become a Challenger after opening a new account. As our revered leader would say, he won so much that he got tired of winning. However, DART members don’t have to quit winning just yet. MisterChris has risen to fourth place with a 16-debate winning streak that, according to experts, can only be described as“Terrific!” It will come as no surprise to TRUE patriots that MisterChris is a conservative and a Trump supporter. The regressive left just can’t compete with that much WINNING! In other news, Ragnar, who is a progressive, has passed Ramshutu to take 2nd place. But, uh, just ignore that one. It’s fake news. We all know that stupid libs don’t have any facts on their side, so he clearly won by voter fraud! Voters are totally biased toward leftist debaters, which is exactly why they voted against self-declared lib-left Intelligence_06 for 3 debates in a row and for conservative-leaning libertarian MisterChris for 16 debates in a row– um, I mean, uh, uh, nothing to see here!
Trum Porter is an Oklahoma-based journalist and the author of multiple books, including best-sellers Constantine: Making Rome Great Again and Orange Man Good.
Ragnar Passes Ramshutu to become the Number One Voter
By Conspi Theo
Ragnar passed Ramshutu’s record of 634 votes to become the number one voter on DART. At the time of this writing, he has reached a jaw-dropping 644 votes. However, all is not as it seems. Just nine days ago, he removed two votes on a debate. This slip-up exposes the reality behind his “record”: he’s achieved it by abusing his powers as a moderator to remove others’ votes. Why, you ask? Because he wants to appear as though he’s doing everyone on the site a great service with his votes, when he’s really a corrupt tyrant! He only got to first place by removing everyone else’s votes because he wanted all the credit for himself! In fact, he probably didn’t even write his own votes. That one time he removed those votes is proof that he is too lazy to actually vote enough to take the record, and being lazy is proof that he hasn’t written his own votes. The conclusion is unavoidable: Ragnar has been removing other people’s votes and copy-pasting their RFDs as his own. This completely speculative, baseless argument is unassailable proof of his corruption. Join me in my brave stand against this villain by doing absolutely nothing beyond complaining in contexts where I’m absolutely certain he won’t do anything about it. Together, we can stop this corruption!
Conspi Theo is a biblical scholar and scientist who lives on his own in the West Virginia forests, where he spends his time attempting to track down new, large, bipedal species of apes. When he isn’t researching, he operates a business that sells custom items made of tinfoil, including a wildly popular series of hats.
Seldiora Celebrates Reaching the 100-Debate Milestone
By Environment Wacko
DART member and elderly statesman seldiora recently completed his 100th debate. He is currently at 102 completed debates, making him the third most prolific debater on the website. Reaching one hundred is a significant milestone in today’s world, in which the life expectancy is only in the 70s. Upon completing this achievement, the grey-headed fossil sagely commented, “100th debate, yay!” According to sources close to the antiquated relic, his longevity is, unsurprisingly, due to his great appreciation of the environment. Some of his recent debates include debating in support of alternative energy and drawing attention to climate change. His profile picture of trees illustrates his commitment to the environmentalist relig–er, cause. The only debaters on DART with a longer lifespan are Type1, who was laid to rest at 119, and RationalMadman, who is still going strong at 294. Some have compared RationalMadman to Methusaleh, but these people clearly hate science, because Methusaleh never existed and the Bible that claims he does is printed on trees. Clearly, then, people who make such comparisons are tools of environment-hating corporations who support deforestation. However, so as not to dwell on such things, let’s all congratulate seldiora on his impressive achievement and tell him how much we youngsters appreciate the contributions of 102-year-old antiques like him!
Environmental Wacko is a climate activist, blogger, and professional basket-weaver.
Op-Ed: Why the Rash of Debater Rankings is Sparking Class Division among DART Members
By Carl Engels
A series of threads have appeared on DART purporting to rank debaters by skill. The aforementioned senior citizen seldiora listed his top 10 debaters and described their abilities. BearMan chimed in with his own list, as did RationalMadman, ranking his top20 picks. At first, this all seems like innocent fun, until you start looking closer. Consider, comrades, what ranking is. Ranking is saying “This person is better than this person.” Putting debaters in the top 10 or 20 elevates them above their peers. This apparently innocent fun suddenly takes on more insidious qualities. Dividing people into classes is exactly what the bourgeoisie want. They want you to believe that you are inferior so you don’t rise up against them. Instead, they declare that they are better than the rest of us. Comrades, we must not be fooled by these capitalist tyrants. They want us to waste our time running in circles to get to the Top 10 so we also can be bourgeoisie. When they say, “These 10 are the best,” we say, “No, the people are the best.” We are the people, and we will not be seduced by the illusion of “skilled debating” that they promote!
Carl Engels is a writer from California and the recently published author of Real Socialism: Why We’ll Get It Right This Time.
SPORTS
Town Defeats Mafia in a Four Game Streak.
By ScumAnonymous
Fellers, I just don’t know what to say anymore. The town is cleaning house on the mafia these days. After some serious drama and a controversial modkill, town somehow pulled a victory out of the Technology Mafia. In the Ultimate Weabu Universe Mafia, town only needed three DPs to defeat the mafia, thanks to the stellar efforts of MVP Danielle. Town took longer to win the protracted 6-DP Avatar:The Last Airbender Mafia, but they inevitably pulled through. Then, in the Bad Mod Mafia, mafia conce– you know what, I’m not doing this. I can’t take any more of this, fellers. I’m heading straight to my tax attorney to make sure my taxes are right. You may catch Al Capone and every mafioso on the website with your silly tax fraud accusations, but this here is one criminal that isn’t getting caught. No sirree, you’re not getting to me. You’re not. I tell you, you’re not. YOU WON’T GET TO ME!!!
ScumAnonymous is a Chicago-based mafioso, sports writer, and occasional mental health patient.
Seldiora Hosts a Gauntlet Tournament as BearMan’s Tournament Reaches Final Showdown
By ScumAnonymous
YOU WON’T GET – erm, ahem, excuse me. Just need a moment. All righty, where was I? Tournaments. Well, fellers, we’ve got some exciting news. BearMan’s debate tournament has reached the highly anticipated final round. The distinguished finalists are SupaDudz and MisterChris. Up to this point, we’ve seen some of the boldest and most talented debaters on DART give their all in a series of strongly contested debates. This last debate is going to sight to see, and you do not want to miss it. And of course, stay tuned to the DART Bard for all the latest news on the tournament. We’ve got more good news for you: seldiora is hosting a new tournament. This tournament is gauntlet style. A single challenger has to try to run the gauntlet by defeating five progressively stronger debaters. The brave challenger, Ayyantu, has already made it through the first debater, who was seldiora himself.The second debate is in progress. As always, stay tuned to the Bard for all the exciting developments.
ScumAnonymous is a Chicago-based mafioso and sports writer.
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DebateArt.com
Two people have been killed and five injured by a guy dressed in medieval clothes wielding a sword. When the police apprehended him, he was "lying on the ground, barefoot and hypothermic." This is both tragic and bizarre.
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Current events
Disclaimer: This is purely for entertainment. It is not intended to parody any specific person, nor is it intended to be an accurate representation of any political movements mentioned in it. I am entirely aware that no one actually thinks like this (I hope, anyway). I wonder whether anyone actually reads these copy-pasted disclaimers. This is completely satirical. None of the below content necessarily reflects my own opinions and beliefs.
Editor's Note: We are just twelve days out from the 2020 presidential election, and debate rages over who will win. By all appearances, we are on our way to a record turnout. If you're looking for clarity in these confusing times, then I have some good news for you: the Bard's experts have gathered together to give informed predictions about the election outcome. Without further ado, we will move on to their predictions.
Trum Porter: After the 2016 election, we all learned how inaccurate the polls are. Throughout the last four years, the media has spewed nonstop hate of the president. People know this, and they aren't going to tell pollsters from the fake news media that they're voting for Trump. The silent majority is out there in every state of the nation. It's going to be a fifty-state sweep for the president. The Republicans will sweep both houses of Congress and ensure that the best president in history will have as many terms as he needs to keep America great! The libs will be so triggered and run to their safe spaces while TRUE PATRIOTS laugh at their tears! MAGA!
Environmental Wacko: The polls were accurate in 2016, and they're accurate now. Trump will lose in a landslide, and all those racist Nazis who voted for him will be put in their place. It'll be so-o-o sweet to watch the conservative snowflakes cry. Hate will never win! Harris 2021! Er, I mean Biden/Harris 2020!
ScumAnonymous: Look, fellers, we all know how this is going to go down. Everyone's gonna be sitting on the edge of their seats on election night, but they ain't gonna get results. They won't get results the next day either. No way, pal. The election officials ain't gonna finish counting those early ballots for weeks. And when they do, a whole lotta swing states are gonna be real close. And then, pal, then the recounts begin. Both sides will accuse the other of cheating, and just before they start shootin', the results are gonna come back, and it'll be 269-269. At that point, it ain't gonna matter who wins. It'll all end in flames. And how do I know? Because 2020, pal, because 2020.
Carl Engels: An old, rich, corrupt, bourgeoisie member of the elite will win. He will trod all over the proletariat as they suffer. Which one? It doesn't matter. The bourgeoisie will laugh either way, safe in their positions of power. When the great revolution begins, they will know the feeling of a boot stamping on a human face, forever.
Conspi Theo: Does it really matter which lizard person wins? They're both part of "them". They're out to get you. I just saw a YouTube video that exposed their Satanic plot. Whichever one wins will shapeshift into the antichrist! We will see the establishment of the New World Order, Babylon the Great! The guy in the video also discovered why the Illuminati launched the plandemic. They needed to keep us all inside so we wouldn't see them send rockets to the moon to plant evidence that they really landed on the moon. Someone was about to figure it out, so they had to maintain the hoax! "They" are lying to you!
Editor's Note: If any of these predictions are wrong, the guy who made the YouTube video reserves the right to retain full prophetic credibility for any future predictions.
Grandpa Curmudgeon: Back in my day, America was already great. Didn't have none of these cheesy slogans. No sir, we had distinguished, sophisticated platforms like "I like Ike." Politicians didn't say the dumbest things you ever heard every time they opened their mouths. Leastways, if they did, we didn't have no internet media telling us about it. Well, that's why Trump should win, cause he wants to make us great agin. But that's also why he ain't gonna win, cuz all you young rips don't know what greatness looked like. Look, boy, you wouldn't know greatness if it hit you like a brick. You spend your days with your eyes glued to yer phones. If you'd look up for two seconds and read a book, you'd know that socialism ain't never gonna work. But no, you all gonna vote for Sleepy Joe. Well, when I was yer age...
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Politics
Disclaimer: This is purely for entertainment. It is not intended to parody any specific person, nor is it intended to be an accurate representation of any political movements mentioned in it. I am entirely aware that no one actually thinks like this (I hope, anyway). I wonder whether anyone actually reads these copy-pasted disclaimers. This is completely satirical. None of the below content necessarily reflects my own opinions and beliefs.
HISTORY EXPLAINED
Episode 3, 10/18/2020: The First Crusade
A production of the DART Bard
Featuring ScumAnonymous
Well, pal, it all started in 1095 when the Byzantine emperor noticed the Seljuq Turks were steppin' on his turf. He knew that, if that kept up, he and his empire would be wearin' cement overshoes. So off he went to ask the big boss, Pope Urban II, for some help. Boss Urban was a real pal, so he went around his home turf in France to get people to help the emperor. Well, some hermit named Peter and a knight called Walter got all carried away and led a bunch of reckless fellers east. Before they got there, they fought battles in Hungary cause they were hungry. When they finally did get to the front, well, pal, that was a blood red August, and it wasn't Seljuq blood, let me tell you. But those fellers were just small fry. The real deal started when the French and Norman bosses got together with their boys. Thirty-five thousand knights joined up with the emperor and his boys and got ready to whoop some Turks. They took Nicaea first. Then the Normans ran into the Turks, who were led by Arslan - yes, pal, Arslan, not Aslan. Pay attention, there ain't no lions in this story. As I was saying, the Normans ran into the Turks, and they were in some trouble until the French got there. Back then, see, the French weren't no surrender monkeys. They whooped the Turks and marched on Antioch. It took them so long to take the city that hundreds of the crusaders starved, see. Well, that made them real mad, pal, real mad. They marched on Jerusalem, and when they took it, it was a bloody day. They meant business, and they didn't mess around. Even people who hid in mosques and synagogues were blown away. They even burned a synagogue full of people. It wasn't pretty, pal, but it kept the Seljuq Turks off their turf for years.
ScumAnonymous is a Chicago-based mafioso and sports writer.
Special Announcement:
Our old friend Mopac is back. Go say hello to him in his AMA before he leaves permanently to become a monk.
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DebateArt.com
Disclaimer: The below content is entirely satirical. Any events described within it are not necessarily factual. Any representation of any person, whether a site member or not, is not intended to be accurate or in any way offensive. Any use of negative terms or portrayal of any person or site member is for the sole purpose of satirical humor and is not intended to be offensive. I do not necessarily agree with any opinions expressed below.
DART BARD
Edited by SirAnonymous
3rd Edition
Special Extended Hall of Fame Edition
"An extremist is someone who can't laugh at their own opinions."
NEWS
Chief Moderator Virtuoso Changes Name to David in Yet Another Illuminati Kidnapping.
By Conspi Theo.
DART's chief moderator Virtuoso has changed his username to David just weeks after debate moderator christopher_best changed his username to MisterChris. No official reasons have been provided, but, according to a source who chose not to be identified for fear of angering the Illuminati, this is evidence that they have been secretly kidnapped by the Illuminati and replaced by Illuminati agents David and MisterChris. The New World Order is slowly tightening its grip on DART. First, it locked former debate moderator Ramshutu out of his account. Next, bsh1 was banned after a corrupt gamble with blamonkey. Now, two of DART's four active moderators have been kidnapped by the New World Order. DART's membership needs to stand up to this tyranny and expose this conspiracy for what it truly is. "They" will never win!
Conspi Theo is a biblical scholar and scientist who lives on his own in the West Virginia forests, where he spends his time attempting to track down new, large, bipedal species of apes. When he isn't researching, he operates a business that sells custom items made of tinfoil, including a wildly popular series of hats.
New Challengers: Intelligence_06 and MisterChris Enter the Top 5
By Trum Porter
DART users Intelligence_06 and MisterChris have displaced Trent0405 and semperfortis in the Top 5, claiming the title of Challengers. While these two are out there WINNING, Sleepy Trent hasn't even taken on any debates to regain his position. Sad! Meanwhile, RationalMadman, who reached 3rd place before being banned and falling to 9th, has been accepting debates left and right like a logical lunatic in an effort to climb the ranks. According to the latest reports, former challenger Speedrace is returning to debating after participating in a tournament. That's right, folks. We have four contenders preparing to battle it out for the title of Challenger. What a great competition, the best, really. Not many people know this, but I've looked at the numbers, and there are only two available places for four debaters. However, that will only last until Ragnar - a great debater, really a great guy, the best - overtakes Ramshutu. The undefeated legend is only 9 points behind that quitter Ramshutu, and he's leading the voting in two debates, which should be enough to put him at number 2. So much winning! We're going to witness a great battle between DART's best for the Top 5, and it'll be tremendous, just tremendous, and you can read all about it here at the DART Bard!
Trum Porter is an Oklahoma-based journalist and the author of multiple books, including best-sellers Constantine: Making Rome Great Again and Orange Man Good.
HALL OF FAME
Editor's Note: This month, the best users, threads, debates, and miscellaneous gems have been inducted into the DART Hall of Fame. We at the DART Bard would like to congratulate those who were inducted personally or had their debates, threads, and content inducted. We are celebrating this ceremonious occasion with this special extended version of the DART Bard, in which we'll cover each of the entrants. Congratulations to everyone who made it! --SirAnonymous
Users
By Carl Engels
--oromagi
A clear proletariat hero. With no formal debate experience and only a rhetoric course to aid him, this member of the common rabble has surpassed all expectations, including his own, to reach the top of the debate leaderboard. Take that, you bourgeoisie elitists!
--Ragnar
Yeah, the deputy mod gets in. That's totally not the bourgeoisie helping each other out, nope, definitely not. I'm definitely not disgusted by the capitalist corruption that let an aristocrat like him into the HoF, no, not at all.
--SupaDudz
What a great comrade! He's made more posts in the forums than any other user, he's an active debater, musical artist, poet, and rapper. Now if only he'd join the Communist Party, he'd be flawless.
Debates
By ScumAnonymous
--Resolved: The US should institute congressional term limits (blamonkey vs. bsh1)
In this epic blow, blamonkey lays out a stunning case against using term limits to remove mafia-friendly legislators while cooly gunning down the arguments of former site cop bsh1. Opening his violin case and blowing away bsh1's account while he was at it was a nice touch.
--Legalized Abortion (vector vs. MisterChris)
This debate was okay, but it was better back when Chris wore his stylish black hat from the 20s that made him look like a mafia hitman. Still worth reading, though.
--Is Jesus the Messiah? (Dustandashes vs. Virtuoso, a.k.a. David)
This was an awesome debate that helped me understand why people believe - wait, is that-a the sheriff? You-a, deal, with him, Tony.
Threads
By Trum Porter
--DART Bard, 1st Edition, 1/3/2020 (SirAnonymous)
Tremendous thread! Maybe even best ever! Not many people know this, but this thread was a defining moment in DART history. It was the start of something great! It was written by good people, trust me, they are great people, the best. I know some really smart people, but these guys are really, really smart people. Tremendously smart. And that editor, he's the best, maybe, I don't know, maybe ever. Some people say that. A lot of people say that. Some people don't say it, but I don't listen to those people. They don't win. They're losers, actually. Not good. Sad. Not like this thread. It won so much, and it keeps winning. In fact, we're tired of winning, but we can't stop. Believe me, this is the greatest thread, believe me. Just great.
--I will stereotype debaters properly. (RationalMadman)
RM stereotyped a lot of great people in this thread, and he was great. Fantastic. Winning. It was hilarious, really funny, not like the fake news media which has no sense of humor. They lie a lot, believe me. But RM was fantastic in this thread, amazing. He's a smart guy, really smart. We need more people who can write like this. You should read it.
--DEBATE ART TOURNAMENT ROUND ONE (Bearman)
This was great, believe me, I am really sick of doing my impression of Trump. He's the best president ever and tells it like it is, but I just can't do it like he does it. Any way, you should definitely check out this thread. Bearman set up a debate tournament with ten different debaters, which hasn't been done on DART in over a year. I can't imagine anything more true to the spirit of this site than this thread. Congratulations, and well done.
Miscellaneous
By Environmental Wacko
--Ragnar is the natural alpha male of this website. (RationalMadman)
I am so triggered right now. How can anyone think that promoting toxic masculinity at a time like this is at all acceptable? This is what's wrong with the world. YOU ARE THE PROBLEM!!! Stop being a misogynist who promotes alpha male trash, or I'll make sure you get canceled.
--BrotherDThomas’ performance art (BrotherDThomas)
BrotherDThomas, a longstanding advocate of common sense population control with his promotion of serial killer God, definitely earned this. Defending serial killing with an outraged tone and tacky style is exactly what we need right now. Just check out reddit or twitter if you don't believe me!
SPORTS
Mafia Concede Twice in a Row, Get Completely Left out of a Joke Game, and Win Twice in a Row.
By Trum Porter
ScumAnonymous had to be carried from the room on a stretcher after passing out when the Civil War Generals mafia ended, so I'm stuck being the sports writer this month. Blech. Anyway, the not-so-terrifying mafia conceded twice in a row, first in the Naruto Mafia and second in the Civil War Generals Mafia. The mafia just didn't stand a chance when Trump called the National Guard on 'em. Totally owned those libs and their mostly peaceful protests! In the Satire Mafia, they were too scared to even show up. Snowflakes. Then, somehow, probably due to Dimocrat mayors defunding the police, they won two games in a row with the BAMF and Arrowverse mafias. Funny, isn't it, how both of those games were modded by lefties? Yeah, just a coincidence that the mafia win when libs are in charge and concede or don't even show up when conservatives and libertarians are in charge - NOT. Take that, ya commies!
I ain't writing Mr. Porter's signature down here again. That's work, and you already saw it earlier. Scroll up if you want to see it, you lazy louts!
Debate Tournament Reaches the Third Round
By Grandpa Curmudgeon
DART's grand old debate tournament is in the third round. Only MisterChris, Supadudz, and Nikunj_Sanghai are left. Woooh. Yeah, tell me Bearman: did you hand out participation trophies to everyone who didn't make it? Bet you did, or those millennials and Gen Z'ers will cry. Back in my day, we never cried. Nope, men were real men then. Didn't need no safe-spaces. And when we had a beef, we duked it out like gentlemen without any of this online debate tomfoolery. Yessir, that's how it was. Never heard such nonsense like "Resolved: A public health emergency justifies limiting civil liberties." Take away my rights, will ya? No sirree, don't tread on me! Now get off my lawn, or I'll learn you a lesson you ain't gonna like!
Grandpa Curmudgeon is the proud grandfather of seven young rascals. He spends his days writing, thinking, and throwing his dentures at people who annoy - OW!
MEMBERS
RationalMadman has returned.
MarkWebberFan, Sum1hugme, vpnconnections, Safalcon7, and Theweakeredge have arrived. Hmm, one of those sounds like it doesn't belong in that list. Not sure why...
Drafterman has also returned, and nearly decided to leave again. I will never tell a lie, I did not get involved with the drama in the mafia end-hey, quit laughing!
CLASSIFIED
Join RM in the Caribbean for some mafia! Oh, and watch out for the pirates.
Theweakeredge is looking for debate topics. What a great opportunity to spam him with thousands of ideas - I mean, to help generate productive discussions about relevant subjects.
If you want to write a story for the Bard or suggest an idea, PM the editor.
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DebateArt.com
Disclaimer: This is purely for entertainment. It is not intended to parody any specific person, nor is it intended to be an accurate representation of any political movements mentioned in it. I am entirely aware that no one actually thinks like this (I hope, anyway). This is completely satirical. None of the below content necessarily reflects my own opinions and beliefs.
HISTORY EXPLAINED
Episode 2, 9/13/2020: The Mongol Invasion
A production of the DART Bard
Featuring Carl Engels
The Mongol Empire began to take form when Temujin united the proletariat Mongol tribes. After gathering them around him under the flag of united labor, they invaded the part of China called Western Xia, and Temujin proclaimed himself to be Genghis Khan, the ruler of all Mongols. Faced with the united strength of Mongol workers before their capital, the fat and decadent Chinese bourgeoisie submitted. But when Genghis Khan began his liberation of workers in other parts of China, the capitalists of Western Xia betrayed him. Enraged, Genghis Khan began to destroy their cities. Some may complain that these tactics were needlessly ruthless, but Genghis Khan understood the dialectics of history and did his best to bring true communism. The resourceful Mongolian proletariat learned bit by bit how to defeat the fortifications of the capitalists, and the empires of China fell one by one. The dear leader Genghis Khan died in 1227, but his fellow workers carried on the liberation. China, Korea, India, Russia, Kazakhstan, and the Middle East saw the fall of the bourgeoisie and the rise of the proletariat. It seemed, for a moment, that capitalism would fall and communism would be ushered in. But corruption entered the heart of Mongolia. Genghis's grandson Kublai Khan fell in love with decadence. His grandfather's vision of a free world was dashed as Kublai fell to the siren song of capitalism. The Mongols ceased to be the proletariat and became the bourgeoisie they had sought to destroy. The dream of the end of capitalism was lost. When Kublai died, the Mongol Empire split into pieces. Thus did the bourgeoisie triumph, and the vicious dialectic continues to this day.
Carl Engels is a writer from California and the recently published author of Real Socialism: Why We’ll Get It Right This Time.
Read this month's edition of the Bard: https://www.debateart.com/forum/topics/4723-dart-bard-2nd-edition-8-30-2020
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Miscellaneous
Disclaimer: The below content is entirely satirical. Any events described within it are not necessarily factual. Any representation of any person, whether a site member or not, is not intended to be accurate or in any way offensive. Any use of negative terms or portrayal of any person or site member is for the sole purpose of satirical humor and is not intended to be offensive. I do not necessarily agree with any opinions expressed below.
DART BARD
Edited by SirAnonymous
2nd edition
“If you don’t want your opinions to be mocked, don’t have opinions!”
NEWS
DART User BearMan Organizes Debate Tournament. Russian Influence Suspected.
By Carl Engels
A debate tournament was started recently to allow DART users to showcase their skills in a competitive way. Ten DART users entered the tournament as debaters and two entered as judges. According to tournament organizer BearMan,“Every single round, one person is eliminated and ties are not allowed.” However, suspicions have grown about the tournament, especially around its organizer. The bear is the symbol of Russia, which indicates that BearMan could be a Russian agent. This theory is strengthened by the very nature of the event. No sane, decent person would ever consent to civilly discussing a disagreement. Furthermore, debaters were randomly assigned a side on the issues, forcing some of them to argue against their beliefs. How can any properly adjusted person be expected to argue against the position that they unthinkingly believe because their favorite politician said so? This is clearly a Russian plot! Today, they’re trying to trick us into thinking that people who disagree with us aren’t literal fascists, which they obviously are. Tomorrow, they’ll have us thinking that people on the other side of the political spectrum might actually be right about something! Oh, the humanity!
Carl Engels is a writer from California and the recently published author of Real Socialism: Why We’ll Get It Right This Time.
Report: Oromagi Close to Reaching 88 MPH in his DeLorean
By Trum Porter
According to a recent report, DART’s King of the Hill oromagi is getting close to reaching 88 mph in his DeLorean. The number one debater, who will soon win his 87th debate, was able to complete his flux capacitor after his 86th win. Now that he has completed the last piece of his time machine, the only remaining problem is to find a source that can supply 1.21 gigawatts of power. If oromagi can get that much power, it will be an impressive achievement: that much power hasn’t been harnessed by any DART user since Bsh1 Franklin stood outside during Hurricane Utopia Crumbles while holding a kite with a wire running down the string. But for the DART King, this will doubtless be a minor obstacle. Oromagi has yet to announce what he will do when he gets his DeLorean to 88 mph with 1.21 gigawatts of power; however, many speculate that he will use it to go back to the future to read all of his opponent’s upcoming arguments and give a book full of future sports scores to his younger self.
Trum Porter is an Oklahoma-based journalist and the author of multiple books, including best-sellers Constantine: Making Rome Great Again and Orange Man Good.
DART Users Callously Celebrate Hall of Fame Elections as though the Environment Isn’t Being Destroyed all around Them.
By Environmental Wacko
Earlier this week, DART moderators kicked off the second annual Hall of Fame nomination and election process, which celebrates the best users, threads, and debates of the year. DART users are gladly participating in this event, despite the fact that the environment is being destroyed all around them. While species are going extinct and ocean levels are rising, DART users are handing out compliments to nominees like candy. They even have the audacity to nominate high-quality debates filled with rational and civil discussion. This is appalling. There can be no debate. There are only two types of people: those that advocate for the most expensive, farthest left environmental agenda possible, and those flat-earthers who stick their fingers in their ears and scream anti-science slogans while burning textbooks. Heedless of this, users on DART continue to have fun with their science-denying Hall of Fame. You are the Nero who fiddles while Rome burns. How dare you have fun and celebrate while the environment is being destroyed RIGHT NOW. I can’t even with you people. How DARE you.
Environmental Wacko is a climate activist, blogger, and professional basket-weaver.
Opinion: RationalMadman’s Ban is a Sign of the End Times
By Conspi Theo
RationalMadman, DART’s most active user, has been temporarily banned. This is a clear sign of the end times. Just look at his profile picture! Do you see what it is? A symbol! You know what another name for symbol is? A sign. WOW! Also, take a look at this: He was banned on 8/12/2020 until 9/23/2020. Both of those numbers have 3 2s. Three is the number of the Trinity, and 2 is the number of times Jesus will have come to earth at the end times. Amazing! But now look at the numbers that are left when you remove the 2s. In the first date, 8 and 1 are left, and 8-1=7, which is the Hebrew number of perfection! In the second date, 9 and 3 are left, and 9+3=12, which is the number of the tribes of Israel! Powerful stuff. And just look at the name RationalMadman. Paul said he was a fool for Christ. Sounds like a Rational Madman tome! It’s clear: the end times are coming. Can I get an amen or what?
Conspi Theo is a biblical scholar and scientist who lives on his own in the West Virginia forests, where he spends his time attempting to track down new, large, bipedal species of apes. When he isn’t researching, he operates a business that sells custom items made of tinfoil, including a wildly popular series of hats.
SPORTS
Town Wins Two Games Straight
By ScumAnonymous
Well, town on DART has won the last two games of mafia, and I just can’t even. First town won in Stormlight Archives,and then in the States Mafia. I gotta say, my state is pretty stormy right now, and there ain’t a lot of light. Town MVP in the States Mafia was oromagi, and the scum least dreadful player was Discipulus_SpellingNamesIsHardus. It dragged on for 6 day phases, and finished in a long, lonely night. Mafia also lost in the Stormlight Archives, and there wasn’t even a town MVP because the mafia was so – sob – terrible. And now the most recent mafia game is called Naruto Mafia. That’s right, they compared to fearsome mafia to an anime show. An anime show.I just – I – I don’t think I can handle this.
ScumAnonymous is a Chicago-based mafioso and sports writer.
MEMBERS
The great and mighty wizard oromagi performed some incantation by repeating Ramshutu’s name three times to bring him back on the site for a brief period. The Wizard’s Council is currently investigating him on suspicions of necromancy.
RationalMadman has been banned for rational madness. In other news, water, wet.
Ethang5 has been banned for irrational madness. Water is still wet.
TNBinc, vector, and lady3keys have joined DART. To our newcomers: I’m really, really sorry.
CLASSIFIED
Lunatic Louis Stevenson is looking for a publisher for his new book The Strange Case of Dr. Lunatic and Mr. Pattern.
Conspi Theo is still looking for someone to “Amen!” his end times predictions.
If you want to submit story suggestions or even complete stories to the DART, feel free to PM the editor!
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DebateArt.com
I've realized that this site is taking up far too much of my time. I don't have the motivation to continue. I'll be leaving as of now. I may log in briefly later to say a few final goodbyes. Thank you all very much for being good to me for the few months I've been here. I am sorry to have to quit in the middle of the mafia and Survivor games. I to thank you all for being good friends to me. Thank you for putting up with my bad jokes and laughing at my satire. If I have offended or wronged any of you, I sincerely apologize. I wish all of you the very best. As a final request, learn to forgive others. The recent events on the Political Engine server have created a lot of drama and controversy. Don't bear anyone any grudges for it. I don't think I have made any enemies while I'm here, and for that I'm glad. If I have done so unintentionally, please accept my complete apologies. I do not know if I shall be gone forever or if I will someday return.
Again, I am very thankful for how you have all treated me. May the grace and mercy of our God and of His Son Jesus Christ be with you all.
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Personal
Disclaimer: This is purely for entertainment. It is not intended to parody any specific person, nor is it intended to be an accurate representation of any political movements mentioned in it. I am entirely aware that no one actually thinks like this (I hope, anyway). This is completely satirical. None of the below content necessarily reflects my own opinions and beliefs.
HISTORY EXPLAINED
Episode 1, 1/20/2020: The Fall of Rome
A production of the DART Bard
Featuring Trum Porter
Editor's Note: In our modern days, ignorance of basic history has become rampant. In this new project of the Bard, we are trying to educate the public about history in a fun but informative way. We are excited to announce the first episode in our series History Explained.
The Fall of Rome
In the early years of the fourth century, the great Roman Empire was secure under the reign of its Emperor, Constantine. His acceptance of Judeo-Christian values was a major reason he was able to reunite the Empire and protect it from invaders. After he died, however, the emperors after him relied on extortion and corruption. They paid for this deep state corruption with inflation. I probably don't have to tell you that they were Democrats. At the same time, the Roman leaders foolishly allowed illegal German immigrants to settle within their lands. This invasion of illegals was one of the major reasons the Empire collapsed. Beyond any doubt, they should have built a big, beautiful wall to keep Rome great; however, the liberals were in charge. Finally, Emperor Julian (R) began an anti-deep-state campaign in 360. He even fought a war against the Sassanids, knowing that wars are, of course, great and easy to win. Sure, he encouraged non-Christian religions, but hey, he was an emperor, not a pastor. King David wasn't perfect either. Most importantly, he sent the Roman army to deal with the illegal immigrants from Germany. Sadly, the deep state prevented him from making them pay for a wall. Less than two years later, the great Roman Empire split into two pieces once again. The official story was that it was split between the brothers Valens and Valentinian, but we know from Breitbart that the real reason was that a civil war started when the deep state tried to ban assault swords. After that, Rome began to fall harder and faster. German barbarians fleeing the Huns invaded Rome just like illegal immigrants invade America today. After that, the Huns themselves invaded. The only bright spot was when the leader of the Christian church in Rome, Leo I, was able to negotiate with one of the Vandal leaders to avoid any further death during one of the many sacks of Rome (remember when I said that Judeo-Christian values helped Constantine keep Rome together? Here they are, WINNING again). Finally, in 476, the Empire was unable to defend itself and fractured into multiple states.
The lesson to be learned here is obvious. The Romans continually failed to build a wall and allowed deep state libs to run the country into the ground. Had they chosen to Make Rome Great Again, they might have avoided their eventual collapse to the invading illegal immigrants. This is why it's so important to keep Dimocrats out of office and keep America great, so we avoid the fate of Rome.
Trum Porter is an Oklahoma-based journalist and the author of multiple books, including best-sellers Constantine: Making Rome Great Again and Orange Man Good.
Click here for this month's edition of the Bard:
I've noticed that my normal satire makes fun of the left more than the right, so I decided to switch it up with this. What parts do you think worked, and what parts didn't? I'd be glad to know how I can improve in the future.
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Miscellaneous
Disclaimer: This is purely for entertainment. It is not intended to parody any specific person, nor is it intended to be an accurate representation of the environmental movement. I am entirely aware that no one actually thinks like this (I hope, anyway). This is completely satirical. I do not believe any of this, nor does any of this reflect my viewpoints in any way.
Record: 28-34
Last time: 1-3
Firstly, I must apologize for my failure to predict the conference championships. What can I say to excuse my negligence? How shall I excuse my reckless disregard for the environment? I cannot. I can only seek to do better. That must be the motto of all of us. Secondly, since this is the Super Bowl, the football championship to end all football championships, the greatest sports event of the year, I must be especially careful to get this one right. This is my last chance to make up for my failures. If I can get this one right, then I will know that there is hope left.
Chiefs vs. 49ers
This truly is a despicable choice. The epitome of cultural appropriation, racism, white supremacy, political incorrectness, colonialism, and who-knows-what-all against greedy capitalist white men who colonized the West, massacred Native Americans, committed crimes, swindled, and used guns(!!!). It is a plain reflection of our failures to protect the earth that has let us fall this low. If this is the best our culture can offer, then it is no wonder Trump is president. However, for the sake of Mother Earth, we must get this right. Both the 49ers and the people who came up with the chiefs mascot used guns. Both were white. Both were racist. One committed genocide, and the other celebrates it in the KKK meetings - excuse me, RepubliKLAN meetings. Both were capitalists. The 49ers do have one distinct advantage: the higher-ups who picked the Chiefs mascot were 1%ers. Most of the miners were not. This is a huge advantage. On the other hand, those 1%ers were not involved in the rape of the natural world known as mining. This is also a huge advantage. Back to the first hand, more 49ers had guns that the 1%ers. Sure, those guys who culturally appropriated chiefs have security guards with guns, but we always ignore that fact because they do all the proper virtue signalling whenever there's a mass shooting. However, the 49ers did not control politics with their wealth, because most of them didn't have any. The "Chiefs" probably did (because that's what rich guys do, bruh!). But in the end, the final point is clear: many of the Chiefs players kneeled during the National Anthem to protest racism. While it is incredibly obvious that these millionaire athletes are the most privileged people on the planet who have as much room to talk about oppression as Harvey Weinstein does to talk about women's rights, we always overlook such things so long as the celebrities agree with progressive policies. At the very least, these guys protested racism by causing a great stench in the NFL and making it lose large numbers of viewers, thereby sabotaging there own business and influencing people against their protests. The 49ers, however, did not pander to us with such blatantly obvious shallow virtue signalling. The Chiefs will go home with the win. The 49ers will go home to Europe after being expelled by indigenous people.
Chiefs: 28. 49ers: 27.
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Here's an interesting (but obviously biased) video displaying just how useless the Assault Weapons Ban in California is. The guy in the video has two almost identical rifles. They have different grips, buttstocks, and means of attaching the magazine. One is illegal (to buy, anyway. Since this guy bought it before a certain date, it's legal for him to own). One isn't. Ironically, the legal rifle is easier to use and would be slightly more dangerous than the illegal rifle.
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Politics
Disclaimer: This is purely for entertainment. It is not intended to parody any specific person, nor is it intended to be an accurate representation of the environmental movement. I am entirely aware that no one actually thinks like this (I hope, anyway). This is completely satirical. I do not believe any of this, nor does any of this reflect my viewpoints in any way.
Record: 27-31
There is still a chance to save the environment if all our predictions are right from hereon out. We can't give up now!
Vikings vs. 49ers
Horrors! Warmongering white men (we're against warmongering since a Republican is in office) against capitalist white men! I ca- I- I can- I CAN'T EVEN! HOW IS THIS POSSIBLE! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! At least the Vikings don't abuse the environment like the 49ers did by mining.
Vikings: 13. 49ers: 6.
Titans vs. Ravens
I can't believe I have to say this. Of course the animal wins against mythical gods. What do you think we are? Brainwashed, hyper-religious Pharisees? Of course not! This game clearly goes to the great black birds, who must be protected and cannot be criticized. For Gaia!
Titans: 0. Raves: 56.
Texans vs Chiefs
Slave owners against a symbol that they culturally appropriated. White people are just so racist when they culturally appropriate Native Americans. Even slavery isn't as bad as that.
Texans: 10. Chiefs: 20.
Seahawks vs. Packers
Beautiful birds against meat packers. Do I need to remind you what meat is? No, I don't. You all know. There is no contest here. The environment wins every. Single. Time. Easy win.
Seahawks: 41. Packers: 14.
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This seems to be a thing, so why not.
Ask me anything.
I reserve the right to refuse to answer or to tell you that wild zontars will never drag that information out of me. However, unless you all ask profane questions or try to seek out personal information, I will do my best to answer your questions.
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People
Disclaimer: The below content is entirely satirical. Any events described within it are not necessarily factual. Any representation of any person, whether a site member or not, is not intended to be accurate or in any way offensive. Any use of negative terms or portrayal of any person or site member is for the sole purpose of satirical humor and is not intended to be offensive. I do not necessarily agree with any opinions expressed below.
Trigger warning warning
Warning: There is a potentially triggering trigger warning below. If you think that you will be triggered by a trigger warning, you may not want to continue reading.
Trigger warning
The below content is satire that may make fun of your own opinions. If you think you may be triggered by the satirical depictions of your own opinions, you may not want to keep reading.
DART Bard
Edited by SirAnonymous
1st Edition
NEWS
Mod vs. Mod Debate. Apparent Loser Gets Banned. Foul Play Not Ruled Out.
By ScumAnonymous.
Former chief moderator bsh1 returned to have another debate. Voting moderator blamonkey and bsh1 had a debate titled “Resolved: The US should institute congressional term limits.” DART user Whiteflame placed a 7-4 vote favoring blamonkey, and bsh1 was banned. According to Whiteflame, the debate was a “[v]ery close one”. Most DART users seemed to be pleased with the return of the former mod, but it was not to be. After the debate had concluded, bsh1 was banned.
Analysis
By Conspi Theo
At face value, this seems perfectly normal – until you consider one thing: bsh1 didn’t commit any ban-able offenses after his return. What, then, are we to make of his ban? Given the outcome of the debate, the answer is clear: the debate was some kind of gamble between bsh1 and blamonkey in which the loser would be banned. The evidence is even more incriminating because the voting had not concluded when bsh1 was banned. Clearly, then, blamonkey is guilty of some kind of foul play, likely in conjunction with some of the other mods. These facts go hand-in-hand with the apparent disappearance of blamonkey’s fellow voting mod Ramshutu, who has not been online for a month. There is a dark conspiracy here, and we, the users of DART, must seek to unveil it and bring down these corrupt moderators.
Mafia Wins Two Games Straight
By ScumAnonymous
The feared mafia has won the last two games. In Virt’s Mafia Game, MVP Ragnar played a nearly perfect game and won with a brilliant final defense. In JARGOM, Virtuoso, mod of the previous game, won as scum after town failed to find out Greyparrot, his partner and the game MVP, even though he had lurked throughout the entire first day phase. Clearly, town on DART is utterly incompetent. The last time town won was in a quickfire when Ragnar played a not-so-perfect game and outed himself in the final DP. DART is totally incompetent at this game. Mafia rules, town drools. MUAHAHAHAHA-oh wait, was I supposed to be fair and unbiased in this report? Aw, man!
Op-Ed:IT’S THE END OF THE WORLD!!!!
By Environmental Wacko
It’s a sad day for the environment, folks. After a few weeks off to have a celebration focused around the mythical Santa in order to avoid focusing on the mythical Jesus, I have returned and discovered the most terrible fact ever: It’s the end of the world. I’m not joking. Take it slower this time. It’s. The. End. Of. The. World. Do you know why? Do you want to know how I know? My NFL predictions had yet another negative week and my record fell to 27-31, less than 0.500 (I’d calculate exact values, but calculators use electricity,and that’s bad for the environment). I know I’ve predicted environmental doom in previous negative weeks, but this time I really mean it, and this time I really do have a 97% consensus! Get ready, friends. We’re all gonna die! The end is nigh!
Editor’s Note: The 97% consensus was of the author’s social media friends,not real scientists.
MEMBERS
Disgusted and SupaDudz have returned after temp bans. What a great thang!
Ethang5 has been temp-banned. That’s supa’ disgusting!
Singularity and Bullish have joined the site. Welcome! It’s a rather singular event for someone to join this site, but I’m feeling bullish about it. I have this nagging feeling that I’m forgetting other new members, but my brain, which is usually an iron trap, is toasted at the moment.
CLASSIFIED
The DART Bard is currently looking for more writers. We are especially interested in hiring members of the following positions:
International Reporter (News from other debate websites)
Current Events Reporter (Additional reporter to write articles on debates,forum posts, members, and other events)
Both positions pay approximately $0.00 an hour with potential bonuses of $0.00 per article. Writers are expected to submit at least one article per month and should expect editor input on articles. Some articles may be rejected or be returned with a request for rewriting,or otherwise edited. Articles will be sent by PM to SirAnonymous, editor of the DART Bard. Applications will also be sent to the editor. If there are too many applicants, some will have to be rejected. We of the Bard apologize in advance to anyone who is turned down. The public will be informed when the positions are filled.
DARTvivor S3 is looking for more members to sign up. Find the sign-ups in the Forum Games section and add your /in to play. See you in Japan!
Ramshutu is looking for someone with computer-related experience, preferably a Russian hacker, to help him get back into his account after the Illuminati locked him out for unknown but doubtless nefarious reasons.
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DebateArt.com
Disclaimer: This is purely for entertainment. It is not intended to parody any specific person, nor is it intended to be an accurate representation of the environmental movement. I am entirely aware that no one actually thinks like this (I hope, anyway). This is completely satirical. I do not believe any of this, nor does any of this reflect my viewpoints in any way.
Record: 20-23.
Last Week: 0-1.
Once again, I must apologize for my negligence. I am failing in my quest to save the environment. Worse, the environment has a negative record. We're all doomed.
Texans vs. Buccaneers
A bunch of murderous dead white men against a bunch of murderous dead white men. Inconceivable! However, buccaneers have far less diversity. Womyn were underrepresented in their ranks, and they had no Muslims either (I'm sure that whole episode of the Barbary pirates is just Islamophobic hate speech). Clearly, then, Texans, who actually had womyn and Latinx people, were more diverse.
Texans: 17. Buccaneers: 14.
Bills vs. Patriots.
NO!!! Not more dead white patriarchal, racist sexist IslamophobictransphobichomophobicmisogynistChristianslaveowning men! At least there was only one Buffalo Bill, so he did less mass genocides than the patriots. Furthermore, we're impeaching Trump, so we need to pretend to care about the Founding Fathers and the Constitution they wrote. We'll forget about this as soon as the next Democratic POTUS commits even worse abuses of power, but for the moment...
Patriots: 37. Bills: 10.
Rams vs. 49ers.
A no-brainer. Animals are more valuable than white men. If you disagree, then you're a sexist. I don't know why, but womyn would be most affected by your preference of white men over animals. It's the patriarchy, I'm sure of it.
Rams: 24. 49ers: 17.
Jaguars vs. Falcons.
This is plainly a difficult choice. Both are animals, both are carnivores, and both are beautiful parts of the environment. Falcons, however, are not endangered, and jaguars are.
Jaguars: 35. Falcons: 27.
Ravens vs. Browns.
Normally, we would pick the browns because it is racist not to pick brown people, but ravens are black, so that doesn't matter. Furthermore, ravens are animals, and they scavenge the dead corpses of disgusting, environment-destroying humans. Those are massive advantages. However, browns are undocumented migrants. Even though it sounds racist to assume that all of them are undocumented migrants, it clearly isn't racist because our policies are designed to help them become Democrat vot - er, become citizens of the world's most hateful country. Furthermore, ravens are for the birds, and we care more about windmills and green energy than birds.
Ravens: 34. Browns: 45.
Saints vs. Titans.
In a choice between Christians and mythical beings from a non-Christian religion, the mythical beings win every time. After all, we don't want to be Greek-Polytheism-phobic, and it's impossible to be Christianophobic because it's impossible to be prejudiced against a majority.
Saints: 7. Titans: 21.
Panthers vs. Colts.
Panthers are black. Panthers are endangered. Colts, however, are victims of humans. This oppression olympics is a difficult choice. However, since panthers are endangered because humans murdered them for sport, panthers have more intersectionality points, which naturally transfers to points on the scoreboard.
Panthers: 28. Colts: 24.
Bengals vs. Dolphins.
Dolphins are cute. Dolphins are in the oceans that are threatened by pollution. Dolphins are cute. Dolphins are one of the smartest of our fellow animals. Dolphins are cute. Bengals are endangered, but...dolphins are cute.
Bengals: 13. Dolphins: 20.
Steelers vs. Jets.
The machines that are the agents of our destruction against the people that make them. While we prefer to blame humans, this is one of those obvious cases when the inanimate object is the one responsible, just like guns are responsible for mass murders rather than the mass murderers themselves. Also, steel can be used for windmills, which will save the environment. What's that? You disagree? HOW. DARE. YOU. You have stolen my child...oh wait, that's what I told Greta to say. Wrong speech. My bad.
Steelers: 21. Jets: 10.
Giants vs. Redskins.
I can't believe that there is still a team out there that has such a racist name. Don't they know that's cultural appropriation? It's [the current year]. There's no excuse for this.
Giants: 34. Redskins: 3.
Lions vs. Broncos.
Lions are endangered. However, they are carnivores. They eat meat, and we all know what meat is. Mmmmuuuuuurrrrrrrrddddddddeeeeerrrrrrrr. Broncos, on the other hand, resist human control. Broncos for the win.
Lions: 35. Broncos: 52.
Cowboys vs. Eagles.
Patriots (we all know that all white males are patriots, and therefore racists) against the symbol of patriotism. I can't even. I can't believe this could happen. At the very least, eagles are animals. Furthermore, under U.S. law, it is illegal to destroy eagle eggs and thereby kill the baby. However, cowboys are men and don't even have a place in the discussion.
Cowboys: BIG FAT ZERO. Eagles: 23.
(Editor's note: The writer is currently being flayed for fat-shaming. Please bear with us.)
Cardinals vs. Seahawks.
Ohhh, I hurt. I'll never fat-shame again. I'm so, so sorry that people were offended. Now that my non-apology is out of the way, this ought to be a great game. Cardinals are red, which is communist, and that's so dope. Seahawks, however, are blue, which is for Democrats and is also dope. And now that I look at it, red is also the color of Republicans, so the cardinals are clearly KKK members.
Cardinals: 14. Seahawks: 28.
Chiefs vs. Bears.
Native Americans against their traditional predatorial enemy. I can't wait to see how the noble natives defeat their foes once again! Wait a minute, did I just use stereotypes? My bad! I didn't mean it! Really! Anyway, the bear is the symbol of Russia, and they helped Trump win. IMPEACHMENT 2019!!!!!
Chiefs: 23. Bears: 13.
Packers vs. Vikings.
Meat packers against white men. However, these are special white men. They're Scandinavian, and that means democratic socialism. Awesome!
Packers: 14. Vikings: 27.
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Once again, I forgot to get these up earlier, and once again, I only have time for tonight's game. O great environment, I'm sorry!
Jets vs. Ravens.
Ravens are mocking birds who will scornfully pick our flesh after global warming kills us. Besides, we can't vote against jets: how else will Al Gore get around?
Jets: 21. Ravens: 10.
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Sports
I'll only have time to sneak this prediction in before the game ends.
Cowboys vs. Bears
Bears are carnivores, which is just horrible. How could they so callously trample on the rights of their fellow animals? Furthermore, many Cowboys are Hispan- Latinx, pardon me- so it would be racist to suggest that they will lose.
Cowboys: 27. Bears: 17.
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Disclaimer: This is purely for entertainment. It is not intended to parody any specific person, nor is it intended to be an accurate representation of the environmental movement. I am entirely aware that no one actually thinks like this (I hope, anyway). This is completely satirical. I do not believe any of this, nor does any of this reflect my viewpoints in any way.
Last Week: 6-8
Last week was a disaster for the environment, especially since we only have 11 more weeks before the damage to our environment becomes irreversible. But fear not, fellow social justice warriors: we will yet triumph over the villainous bourgeoisie and their reckless ransacking of our reality!
TNF
Colts vs. Texans
This is a horrible decision. Should we pick patriarchal white men or their animal slaves? The villains or the enablers? Not only do the Texans have a history of racism, but in today's world they are also obsessed with GUNS!!!! Colts would never engage in such slaughter of children. Even worse, the Texans use guns to shoot colts. They even shoot them just for having broken legs. Talk about ableism!
Colts: 20. Texans: 13
Sunday
Buccaneers vs. Falcons
There's just no comparison. Yes, falcons hunt; yes, they subject themselves to humans; but at least they don't use guns!
Falcons: 17. Buccaneers: 7
Broncos vs. Bills
We must confess to making a huge mistake last week. We thought the Bills were buffaloes and not carbon copies of a cruel cowboy exploiting Native Americans for profit in a tour filled with white male propaganda. We are so extremely sorry for the offense we caused to everyone and resolve to do better. It's 2019; there's no excuse for what we did, and we apologize.
Broncos: 31. Bills: 6
Giants vs. Bears
Bears are cuddly and soft and stuffed with cotton and covered in hearts and come with chocolate and flowers. They would never make horrible, triggering noises or commit murder against their fellow animals. Giants, on the other hand...ugh. They're like humans, but bigger, so they emit more CO2 and have the same problems, but worse. Also, have you noticed that giants are almost always white? Not even joking.
Bears: 24. Giants: 17
Steelers vs. Bengals
Bengals are nice, cute kitties with spots. They purr and they're cute and they're great for safe spaces. But Steelers are horrible capitalists who hate the environment. They are soooo evil that they would rather let themselves and everyone else burn and die in global warming so long as they get money. They'd rather be rich than save their own lives. #TypicalConservatives
Bengals: 35. Steelers: 0
Dolphins vs. Browns
Dolphins are cute, but it's just racist to pick against brown people for any reason, and we're not racists. So if you like dolphins, then you're a terrible person.
Dolphins: 10. Browns: 21
Panthers vs. Saints
Saints are Catholic, and Catholics hate women's rights. STOP HATING WOMEN, YOU MISOGYNISTS! But panthers are endangered, so they must be protected at all costs.
Panthers: 49. Saints: 14
Raiders vs. Jets
It is in every way acceptable to raid jets. They need to be destroyed, or we're all gonna die! Raid them, destroy them, and then post it on social media to virtue signal to all your friends. Jets are destroying the environment by polluting the atmosphere with that gas that makes plants grow, so they must be destroyed.
Raiders: 28. Jets: 3
Seahawks vs. Eagles
Eagles are the symbol of the world's most hateful nation led by a man who is literally Hitler. Seahawks are - well I don't know what they are, but how can they possibly be worse than that?
Seahawks: 14. Eagles: 10
Lions vs. Redskins
Redskins is a racial slur! Even though nearly all the Native Americans in the area root for them, we need to be offended on their behalf because using this racial trope is just unacceptable. But lions are endangered, and they're just big cats. Sure, they're carnivores, but any real SJW knows that microaggressions and cultural appropriation are far worse for society than getting eaten by a predator.
Lions: 27. Redskins: 17
Jaguars vs. Titans
Jaguars are an endangered species, so they have the initial advantage. On the other hand, titans are from Greek mythology, and any non-Christian religion is totally acceptable and should never be attacked. Also, Jaguars are predators, and meat is murder. However, titans are the enemy of the Greek gods, so an enemy of a friend is an enemy, I guess? Not sure.
Jaguars: 15. Titans: 14
Cowboys vs. Patriots
I can't even. I just can't even. Gun-loving, women-hating, white supremacists against gun-loving, women-hating, white supremacists. I need a safe space just thinking about it. This can't be real. NOOO!! At least the Patriots threw a few bones in the direction of human rights. Sure, it was just for white men, but I can't, I just, like, can't!
Cowboys: 3. Patriots: 7
Packers vs. 49ers
Not another one! This is clearly the patriarchy! Meat packers against miners. Meatpacking may support murder, but at least it doesn't murder the world.
Packers: 14. 49ers: 9.
MNF
Ravens vs. Rams
Finally! I can even! Ravens are predators, which is an inherent disadvantage. Rams, on the other hand, are vegetarians. However, ravens are black and thus immune to criticism (unless they take conservative positions and forfeit their black cards). Some rams are white. Triggered! However, rams are exploited by humans for their wool, so they're victims. Thus, they win this round of the oppression olympics.
Ravens: 35. Rams: 42.
What do you think? Am I wrong and you're more woke than me? If so, remember this: you either die woke, or live long enough to see yourself become a bigot. And I will dig through every post you have ever made on the internet, and if there's even one that could be misinterpreted as slightly non-PC, you. Will. Be. Canceled. So you thought you were more woke than me? Wrong!
(Editor's Note: This writer has been fired for saying "Wrong!" in the same way Adolf "Not My President" Trump uses it. We apologize for the inconvenience and for allowing such a hater to use our platform. Thank you for your patience.)
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Sports
Are you having problems winning debates on this website? Is evidence too hard to dig up? Are your opponent's arguments too hard to refute? Never fear! Here is a simple, 7-step plan guaranteed to make you win arguments on the internet.
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Miscellaneous
This is what would happen if NFL games were decided by how "green" and "woke" their mascots were.
Disclaimer: This is purely for entertainment. It is not intended to parody any specific person, nor is it intended to be an accurate representation of the environmental movement. I am entirely aware that no one actually thinks like this (I hope, anyway). This is completely satirical. I do not believe any of this, nor does any of this reflect my viewpoints in any way.
Thursday
Steelers vs. Browns
There is absolutely nothing more environment-hating, mind-destroying, maniacally earth-killing than steelers, who put Carbon Dioxide in the atmosphere.
Steelers: 0. Browns: 42
Sunday
Cowboys vs. Lions
This is a no-brainer. Of course lions are far more environmentally friendly than a bunch of dead white men who raised cattle for meat.
Cowboys: 3. Lions: 24
Jaguars vs. Colts
This one isn't so easy. Both of them are animals, so they aren't environment-hating humans. Jaguars are predators, however, and meat is murder. On the other hand, colts are the willing slaves of humans. Jags pull this one out.
Jaguars: 28. Colts: 27
Bills vs. Dolphins
Again, both are animals. Neither are carnivores, which is a plus. Dolphins are really cute, and no one would want to hurt them (other than a white, Christian, male capitalist, but they're not people). Buffaloes, however, are endangered, so they clearly win.
Bills: 31. Dolphins: 21
Broncos vs. Vikings
While this seems obvious at first because broncos are animals and vikings are people, it's not that simple. Vikings are not capitalist, they don't emit CO2, and they engaged in common-sense population control by slaughtering their enemies. Broncos are still animals, so they can't be ruled out. Also, the vikings were white, which is a large disadvantage. Even so, they should win.
Broncos: 10. Vikings: 14
Saints vs. Buccaneers
A worse choice would be difficult to imagine. Christians, and not just Christians but saints, opposed to white male murderers?!!! Inconceivable! At least the saints give lip service to being good stewards of the world their magic invisible friend created, which is more than can be said for the pirates.
Saints: 7. Buccaneers: 3
Jets vs. Redskins
Obvious. A machine that literally runs by emitting CO2 against noble Native Americans? Not even close.
Jets: 10. Redskins: 35
Falcons vs. Panthers
This is extremely close. Both are animals and carnivores. Panthers are black, which is a plus. Furthermore, some falcons have been known to subject themselves to humans for hunting. I can't even.
Falcons: 17. Panthers: 28
Texans vs. Ravens
Texans used to own slaves. The Ravens will dominate this game.
Texans: 0. Ravens: 21
Cardinals vs. 49ers
There is just no contest between birds and genocidal capitalists who oppressed the Native Americans and expelled the Mexicans.
Cardinals: 38. 49ers: 7.
Bengals vs. Raiders
This is a little tricky, since it isn't clearly defined what these raiders are raiding. But if in doubt, pick the animal. However, if they were just raiders of the lost ark, that could be okay, or at least less bad. Ultimately, it doesn't matter, because bengals are probably endangered.
Bengals: 21. Raiders: 10
Patriots vs. Eagles
This is inconceivable. People who support America playing the American symbol. Say it with us: This. Is. The. Patriarchy. If the Eagles didn't have the out that they are animals, the earth would literally be forced to open up and swallow them both.
Patriots: 0. Eagles: 3
Bears vs. Rams
This will be really close. Bears are awesome, plus there was an Ind-Native American chief named Standing Bear. Rams are also really cool, and they are probably doubly cool because they provide the start to the name Ramshutu, and he's a progressive so that must be good. Bears are sometimes carnivores, so that puts them at a disadvantage. However, the Rams are the opposition to the sheep in that fictional character Jesus' parable. We definitely aren't His sheeple, so we have to go with the Rams.
Bears: 31. Rams: 35
Monday
Chiefs vs. Chargers
Chargers are the greenest thing ever! They power your earth-saving electric vehicle. On the other hand, don't even get me started about the Chiefs. How dare those white men culturally appropriate the title of chief?! This one is a certain lock.
Chiefs: 6. Chargers: 63
Any thoughts? Have I made a mistake in the environmental oppression olympics, or have I proven my wokeness? Which teams do you think are the most environmentally friendly in today's matchups?
That's all for now. Just remember to save the whales! (and collect the whole set.)
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Sports
I used this argument in a different forum and decided that it needs its own topic simply because it is so unusual and counter-intuitive.
There is no way to be certain that logic is valid. We can divide any possible argument into the two categories of logical and illogical. Since anything that is not logical is by definition illogical, and vice versa, these are the only two possible categories. My argument follows inevitably from these simple and indisputable premises.P1: Every argument is either logical or illogical.P2: Any attempt to use logic to prove that logic is valid is circular, because the use of logic presumes that logic is valid.C1: It is impossible to use logic to prove that logic is valid.P3: Any attempt to use illogic to prove that logic is valid is inherently contradictory.C2: It is impossible to use illogic to prove the validity of logic.C3: Because of P1, C1, and C2, there is no possible argument that can prove that logic is valid.As a result, no matter how self-evident logic seems or how well it is supported by the evidence, we cannot prove that logic is valid because such arguments are logical and therefore circular. Since it is impossible to be certain that logic is valid, and since all knowledge is dependent on the validity of logic, it is impossible to be absolutely certain that knowledge is true. Consequently, knowledge cannot exist, since any knowledge would be based on the uncertain assumption that logic is valid.
So what do you think? I'm guessing we all agree that logic is valid, but do you think it's possible to prove that logic is valid? Is my reasoning correct, or does it have a flaw(s)?
In other words, can we prove logic is valid, or do we just have to assume that it's valid out of necessity?
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Philosophy
The title is self-explanatory.
1. God doesn't exist because the movies and music meant to honor Him are so bad.
From YouTube personality The Atheist Voice. Firstly: this has nothing to do with God's existence. Secondly: Johann Sebastian Bach.
2. Text is the worst form of communication.
From DDO user backwardseden. He communicated this using text.
3. God exists because there is no evidence that He doesn't.
From any online theist who doesn't quite understand how the burden of proof works.
Please do not make troll posts such as "Any argument used by YECs and flat earthers - but I repeat myself." Use specific arguments.
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Miscellaneous