Disclaimer: The below content is entirely satirical. Any events described within it are not necessarily factual. Any representation of any person, whether a site member or not, is not intended to be accurate or in any way offensive. I wonder whether anyone actually reads these disclaimers. Any use of negative terms or portrayal of any person or site member is for the sole purpose of satirical humor and is not intended to be offensive. I do not necessarily agree with any opinions expressed below.
DART BARD
Edited by SirAnonymous
5th edition
NEWS
End of an Era: Users Preserve DDO History as Juggle Shuts It Down
By Environmental Wacko
One week ago, Debate.org, commonly referred to as DDO, was shut down by its controversial owner, Juggle. For years, DDO was home to a thriving indigineous community of debaters. After being acquired by Juggle, the website sank into a sea of spam and trolls, prompting the majority of users to jump ship. Rather than attempt to conserve this natural landmark, Juggle decided to attack the online debating environment by shutting the website down. In response, a variety of environmental activists banded together to preserve the legacy of their former habitat. Mharman set up a DDO history server that, among other things, included data from hundreds of mafia games. Meanwhile, USBurning archived the website’s debates, forums, profiles, and polls. While the environment-haters hold positions of power today, they will never win. It is up to us to ensure that the online debating environment will live on!
Environmental Wacko is a climate activist, blogger, and professional basket-weaver.
Report: Former DDO Trolls Struggle to Move on After Debate Bridge Collapses
By Carl Engels
After DDO’s descent into irrelevance, it became home to an unending stream of trolls sheltering under its bridge. Now that the bourgeoisie at Juggle have taken down the website, these trolls have suddenly found themselves without a home. According to reports, this had led to severe cases of anxiety, depression, and turning into stone after exposure to daylight. Comrades, we must help our proletariat brothers. Without the ability to promote conspiracy theories denying the existence of viruses or home-health remedies that would make even Gwynneth Paltrow retch or even openly promoting pedophilia, these trolls may be forced to do something other than spew lies, insults, and advertisements. Why, horror of horrors, they might be forced to enter the slavery and oppression of capitalism and - gasp- get a job! In fact, they might even -
“I don’t need your sympathy, you molon-labe screaming eel biting cataract with a rotund ball-bearing vanilla-rotten teeny bopper! That’s just your miss-steak, you hateful…”
Ahem! Actually, on second thought, maybe getting off the internet would be good for them.
Carl Engels is a writer from California and the recently published author of Real Socialism: Why We’ll Get It Right This Time.
DART Bard Editor Pretends That His Paper is Still Relevant
By Grandpa Curmudgeon
Oh look, guess who’s back. Yup, it’s that guy who thinks he’s sooo funny that he writes a paper called the DART Bard. Just you watch that punk pretend that no one noticed he and his crummy paper disappeared for months. That rapscallion is just going to pretend that his paper is still relevant, isn’t he? Well, back in my day, if you opened a business, you worked. When I was yer age, I didn’t slack off and miss work. No sirree, I was there every day from sunup to sundown working. But now you can just disappear from work for a year and then come back like you never left? Kids these days. Irresponsable, lazy slackers. And then here comes this “editor” pretending that people will still care about his paper. Yup, you see him, sonny? That right there is what we used to call a failure.
Grandpa Curmudgeon is the proud grandfather of seven young rascals. He spends his days writing, thinking, and throwing his dentures at lazy losers - Yipe!
RationalMadman Foils Illuminati and Reaches Second Place on Leaderboard
By Conspi Theo
After climbing up the debate leaderboard, former King of the Hill RationalMadman recently reached second place on the leaderboard. His rating peaked at 1800, making him the second debater to reach the mark, following only the legendary shapeshifting reptilian oromagi. He has also passed 400 debates. But the Illuminati isn’t finished yet, friends! They’ve sabotaged RM and brought him back down to third! It’s clear that they’ve corrupted the moderators and are trying to claim the leaderboard for themselves. They’ve obviously used chemtrails to brainwash voters into voting against him. You all need to wake up, sheeple!
Conspi Theo is a biblical scholar and scientist who lives on his own in the West Virginia forests, where he spends his time attempting to track down new, large, bipedal species of apes. When he isn’t researching, he operates a business that sells custom items made of tinfoil, including a wildly popular series of hats.
Opinion: Chuck Norris Doesn’t Lose Debates. Debates Lose Chuck Norris.
By ScumAnonymous
Currently, users Conservallectual and Intelligence06 are debating whether Chuck Norris is the most powerful man in the universe. As interesting as that topic is, I think it brings us all to an even more interesting and important topic: Chuck Norris doesn’t lose debates. Debates lose Chuck Norris. The first part is obvious. Chuck Norris has a grand total of zero debate losses on DART. That’s better than oromagi, pal. And this is because, as we all know, Chuck Norris is the most powerful force in the universe. So if you’ve lost a debate, then obviously you don’t have the most powerful force in the universe. You’ve lost Chuck Norris. So if you want to win debates, then harness your inner Chuck Norris and roundhouse kick your opponent’s arguments straight through the plot armor and back into the future!
ScumAnonymous is a Chicago-based mafioso and sports writer.
Opinion: Missing Max
By Trump Porter
DART’s first elected president, airmax1227, has only made one post in the last four months. That makes him even sleepier than Sleepy Joe. What this clearly shows is that the presidential experiment has been a failure. The opponents of the office were correct. DART has no president. DART needs no president. No, ladies and gentleman, Republicans and DemoRATS, DART needs A KING. A king with the energy of Trump, the policies of America’s greatest president, the fighting spirit of The Donald. That’s right, folks. What DART needs is King Donald the Orange. Make DART Great Again!
Trum Porter is an Oklahoma-based journalist and the author of multiple books, including best-sellers Constantine: Making Rome Great Again and Orange Man Good.
SPORTS
Mafia Returns to DART
By ScumAnonymous
After months of inactivity in the forum games section, mafia has reasserted its presence on DART. Mharman is currently running an NFL mafia game, and WyIted has sign-up for a World Series of Poker game. As exciting as it is to see the game return to DART, it is a testimony to the fear-inducing reputation of the mafia that the game was absent for so long. Town cowered in terror at the mention of mafia! The mafia laughed and scorned town’s pathetic attempts to find them out! Now, with mafia’s return, we will once again terrorize the town! Muahahahaha!
Editor’s Note: The opinions expressed above belong to the author and do not represent the opinions of this newspaper. What could have possessed me to hire a mafioso to report on mafia games?
ScumAnonymous is a Chicago-based mafioso, sports writer, and deranged lunatic.
MEMBERS
Mall has returned to DART.
Novice has switched to his new account Novice_II, and Wylted has made a new account called WyIted, which has a capital i, not a lowercase L.
Untotalgenio, jamezrevenge, and MrDemographic2050 have joined the website. Please welcome them!
CLASSIFIED
RationalMadman is letting people know what he thinks whiteflame thinks about them. Go join the fun!
WyIted is looking for players in the World Series of Poker mafia! Let him know that you’re all in!*
*I may have stolen that joke from Mharman. Maybe. Possibly.
If you want to submit story suggestions or even complete stories to the DART, feel free to PM the editor!
