Disclaimer: This is purely for entertainment. It is not intended to parody any specific person, nor is it intended to be an accurate representation of any political movements mentioned in it. I am entirely aware that no one actually thinks like this (I hope, anyway). I wonder whether anyone actually reads these copy-pasted disclaimers. This is completely satirical. None of the below content necessarily reflects my own opinions and beliefs.
Editor's Note: We are just twelve days out from the 2020 presidential election, and debate rages over who will win. By all appearances, we are on our way to a record turnout. If you're looking for clarity in these confusing times, then I have some good news for you: the Bard's experts have gathered together to give informed predictions about the election outcome. Without further ado, we will move on to their predictions.
Trum Porter: After the 2016 election, we all learned how inaccurate the polls are. Throughout the last four years, the media has spewed nonstop hate of the president. People know this, and they aren't going to tell pollsters from the fake news media that they're voting for Trump. The silent majority is out there in every state of the nation. It's going to be a fifty-state sweep for the president. The Republicans will sweep both houses of Congress and ensure that the best president in history will have as many terms as he needs to keep America great! The libs will be so triggered and run to their safe spaces while TRUE PATRIOTS laugh at their tears! MAGA!
Environmental Wacko: The polls were accurate in 2016, and they're accurate now. Trump will lose in a landslide, and all those racist Nazis who voted for him will be put in their place. It'll be so-o-o sweet to watch the conservative snowflakes cry. Hate will never win! Harris 2021! Er, I mean Biden/Harris 2020!
ScumAnonymous: Look, fellers, we all know how this is going to go down. Everyone's gonna be sitting on the edge of their seats on election night, but they ain't gonna get results. They won't get results the next day either. No way, pal. The election officials ain't gonna finish counting those early ballots for weeks. And when they do, a whole lotta swing states are gonna be real close. And then, pal, then the recounts begin. Both sides will accuse the other of cheating, and just before they start shootin', the results are gonna come back, and it'll be 269-269. At that point, it ain't gonna matter who wins. It'll all end in flames. And how do I know? Because 2020, pal, because 2020.
Carl Engels: An old, rich, corrupt, bourgeoisie member of the elite will win. He will trod all over the proletariat as they suffer. Which one? It doesn't matter. The bourgeoisie will laugh either way, safe in their positions of power. When the great revolution begins, they will know the feeling of a boot stamping on a human face, forever.
Conspi Theo: Does it really matter which lizard person wins? They're both part of "them". They're out to get you. I just saw a YouTube video that exposed their Satanic plot. Whichever one wins will shapeshift into the antichrist! We will see the establishment of the New World Order, Babylon the Great! The guy in the video also discovered why the Illuminati launched the plandemic. They needed to keep us all inside so we wouldn't see them send rockets to the moon to plant evidence that they really landed on the moon. Someone was about to figure it out, so they had to maintain the hoax! "They" are lying to you!
Editor's Note: If any of these predictions are wrong, the guy who made the YouTube video reserves the right to retain full prophetic credibility for any future predictions.
Grandpa Curmudgeon: Back in my day, America was already great. Didn't have none of these cheesy slogans. No sir, we had distinguished, sophisticated platforms like "I like Ike." Politicians didn't say the dumbest things you ever heard every time they opened their mouths. Leastways, if they did, we didn't have no internet media telling us about it. Well, that's why Trump should win, cause he wants to make us great agin. But that's also why he ain't gonna win, cuz all you young rips don't know what greatness looked like. Look, boy, you wouldn't know greatness if it hit you like a brick. You spend your days with your eyes glued to yer phones. If you'd look up for two seconds and read a book, you'd know that socialism ain't never gonna work. But no, you all gonna vote for Sleepy Joe. Well, when I was yer age...
