#DART News

 

Edited by SirAnonymous

6th edition

 

NEWS

 

By Conspi Theo

Last month, the moderation team removed DART President Airmax1227 from office on the grounds that he had been inactive for months. Deputy Moderator Supadudz said that “Airmax has not properly fulfilled his duty as president”. This is, of course, a bald-faced lie. Airmax did indeed fulfill his duty of being a puppet of the Illuminati. His disappearance from the site was the plan all along. When the people demanded a president to represent them, the reptilian mods had no choice but to go along with it. However, they hatched a plan to sabotage the office of president and installed a known yes-man, Airmax, who would do what they want. By having him stay inactive, they deprived the members of DART of representation for an entire year. And they thought we wouldn’t notice! We’re on to your tricks, Illuminati scum!

 

Conspi Theo is a biblical scholar and scientist who lives on his own in the West Virginia forests, where he spends his time attempting to track down new, large, bipedal species of apes. When he isn’t researching, he operates a business that sells custom items made of tinfoil, including a wildly popular series of hats.

 

By Carl Engels

Just over five months after starting his new account, Novice_II has reached, at the time of this writing, an incredible debate rating of 1899, only 23 points short than the site leader, oromagi. Oromagi has led the debate rankings for over three years, boasting a record of 114 wins and only 3 losses. However, one of those losses is to Novice_II. The pair have sparred twice, with each debater claiming a win. Perhaps more impressively, Novice_II has achieved this level despite continually thumbing his nose at the website bourgeoisie. His position as an uncompromising champion of the proletariat has made him a controversial figure, and a true hero of the revolution. In the background, users Intelligence_06 and RationalMadman are also gaining rating. The anti-elite RationalMadman has once again passed 1800 rating and is quickly gaining on the leaders. We have a full blown fight for the crown, comrades. Who will triumph? The upstart proletariat hero? The elite member of the bourgeoisie? The Chinese prodigy? Or the fiery veteran? Only time will tell!

Carl Engels is a writer from California and the recently published author of Real Socialism: Why We’ll Get It Right This Time.

By Trum Porter

If you’ve been here long, you’ve seen the recurring threads about who the best debaters are. This topic has once again surged to the forefront as some users challenge whether the most highly rated debaters on DART are any good. The most high-profile of these conversations was in the debate “Barney is not a good debater”, in which thinking conservative Vici OWNED and DESTROYED progressive soyboy Barney. Meanwhile, oromagi has once again taken fire for his continual noob sniping and has been EXPOSED as the DemoRAT loser he really is. Everyone knows the real champion is SirAnonymous, who PROVED his dominance in this brilliant thread. Yup, this complete pwnage is going on YouTube!

Trum Porter is an Oklahoma-based journalist and the author of multiple books, including best-sellers Constantine: Making Rome Great Again and Orange Man Good.

By Grandpa Curmudgeon

Yup, here we go again. Tomorrow is Election Tuesday, the only holiday where we all agree that we all hate each other. And I tell you what, son, this is the most important election of your lifetime… so far. Back in my day, we all voted. And guess what? We’re all still voting, cuz modern healthcare made sure that we lived this long. But when we voted, we had to go uphill, both ways, in the snow, past the lions, over the alligator moat, and through the dungeons and dragons just to get to the voting booth. And it was worth it because that was the most important election of our lives. The next one was too. And the next one. In fact, now that I’m thinking about it, I reckon that every election I’ve ever voted in was the most important one of my lifetime. But you kids got it easy. The most you gotta remember when you vote is that you have to bring your own water or ask the poll workers for one. Such suffering, kid. So get out there and vote. It's the most important election of your lifetime, so far. The next one will be too. You’ll catch on.

Grandpa Curmudgeon is the proud grandfather of seven young rascals. He spends his days writing, thinking, and using his cane to drive off annoying newspaper editors.

 

 

By ScumAnonymous

After a raucous game of Conspiracy Theory mafia, the post-mortem arguments devolved into a Valentine’s day event. Pie and RM were the first to open their violin cases and start emptying magazines in each other’s direction after a spat over each other’s mafia skills – or, as they might say of each other, the lack thereof. Other mafiosos joined in as the situation spiraled out of control. Chicago Mayor Lori Lightfoot released a statement warning citizens of the danger. “There is an ongoing mafia shootout, so please be aware. I’d ask you all to stay in interior rooms away from windows, but everyone’s already doing that, because this is Chicago, after all.” Thankfully, the drum magazines on everyone’s Thompson submachine guns jammed, ending the shootout.

ScumAnonymous is a Chicago-based mafioso and sports writer.

 

Badger has posted a missing person notice for FLRW.

Vici and Bones have been accused of being alts. They came, they saw, they protested their innocence.

I can’t tell you.

Disclaimer: The below content is entirely satirical. Any events described within it are not necessarily factual. Any representation of any person, whether a site member or not, is not intended to be accurate or in any way offensive. Any use of negative terms or portrayal of any person or site member is for the sole purpose of satirical humor and is not intended to be offensive. I do not necessarily agree with any opinions expressed below.

Warning: There is a potentially triggering trigger warning below. If you think that you will be triggered by a trigger warning, you may not want to continue reading.

The below content is satire that may make fun of your own opinions. If you think you may be triggered by the satirical depictions of your own opinions, you may not want to keep reading.

Edited by SirAnonymous

1st Edition

Mod vs. Mod Debate. Apparent Loser Gets Banned. Foul Play Not Ruled Out.

By ScumAnonymous.

Former chief moderator bsh1 returned to have another debate. Voting moderator blamonkey and bsh1 had a debate titled “Resolved: The US should institute congressional term limits.” DART user Whiteflame placed a 7-4 vote favoring blamonkey, and bsh1 was banned. According to Whiteflame, the debate was a “[v]ery close one”. Most DART users seemed to be pleased with the return of the former mod, but it was not to be. After the debate had concluded, bsh1 was banned.

Analysis

By Conspi Theo

At face value, this seems perfectly normal – until you consider one thing: bsh1 didn’t commit any ban-able offenses after his return. What, then, are we to make of his ban? Given the outcome of the debate, the answer is clear: the debate was some kind of gamble between bsh1 and blamonkey in which the loser would be banned. The evidence is even more incriminating because the voting had not concluded when bsh1 was banned. Clearly, then, blamonkey is guilty of some kind of foul play, likely in conjunction with some of the other mods. These facts go hand-in-hand with the apparent disappearance of blamonkey’s fellow voting mod Ramshutu, who has not been online for a month. There is a dark conspiracy here, and we, the users of DART, must seek to unveil it and bring down these corrupt moderators.

Mafia Wins Two Games Straight

By ScumAnonymous

The feared mafia has won the last two games. In Virt’s Mafia Game, MVP Ragnar played a nearly perfect game and won with a brilliant final defense. In JARGOM, Virtuoso, mod of the previous game, won as scum after town failed to find out Greyparrot, his partner and the game MVP, even though he had lurked throughout the entire first day phase. Clearly, town on DART is utterly incompetent. The last time town won was in a quickfire when Ragnar played a not-so-perfect game and outed himself in the final DP. DART is totally incompetent at this game. Mafia rules, town drools. MUAHAHAHAHA-oh wait, was I supposed to be fair and unbiased in this report? Aw, man!

Op-Ed:IT’S THE END OF THE WORLD!!!!

By Environmental Wacko

It’s a sad day for the environment, folks. After a few weeks off to have a celebration focused around the mythical Santa in order to avoid focusing on the mythical Jesus, I have returned and discovered the most terrible fact ever: It’s the end of the world. I’m not joking. Take it slower this time. It’s. The. End. Of. The. World. Do you know why? Do you want to know how I know? My NFL predictions had yet another negative week and my record fell to 27-31, less than 0.500 (I’d calculate exact values, but calculators use electricity,and that’s bad for the environment). I know I’ve predicted environmental doom in previous negative weeks, but this time I really mean it, and this time I really do have a 97% consensus! Get ready, friends. We’re all gonna die! The end is nigh!

Editor’s Note: The 97% consensus was of the author’s social media friends,not real scientists.

Disgusted and SupaDudz have returned after temp bans. What a great thang!

Ethang5 has been temp-banned. That’s supa’ disgusting!

Singularity and Bullish have joined the site. Welcome! It’s a rather singular event for someone to join this site, but I’m feeling bullish about it. I have this nagging feeling that I’m forgetting other new members, but my brain, which is usually an iron trap, is toasted at the moment.

The DART Bard is currently looking for more writers. We are especially interested in hiring members of the following positions:

International Reporter (News from other debate websites)

Current Events Reporter (Additional reporter to write articles on debates,forum posts, members, and other events)

Both positions pay approximately $0.00 an hour with potential bonuses of $0.00 per article. Writers are expected to submit at least one article per month and should expect editor input on articles. Some articles may be rejected or be returned with a request for rewriting,or otherwise edited. Articles will be sent by PM to SirAnonymous, editor of the DART Bard. Applications will also be sent to the editor. If there are too many applicants, some will have to be rejected. We of the Bard apologize in advance to anyone who is turned down. The public will be informed when the positions are filled.

DARTvivor S3 is looking for more members to sign up. Find the sign-ups in the Forum Games section and add your /in to play. See you in Japan!

Ramshutu is looking for someone with computer-related experience, preferably a Russian hacker, to help him get back into his account after the Illuminati locked him out for unknown but doubtless nefarious reasons.