DART Bard, 6th Edition: Midterms. 11/7/2022

 

Edited by SirAnonymous

6th edition

 

NEWS

 

By Conspi Theo

Last month, the moderation team removed DART President Airmax1227 from office on the grounds that he had been inactive for months. Deputy Moderator Supadudz said that “Airmax has not properly fulfilled his duty as president”. This is, of course, a bald-faced lie. Airmax did indeed fulfill his duty of being a puppet of the Illuminati. His disappearance from the site was the plan all along. When the people demanded a president to represent them, the reptilian mods had no choice but to go along with it. However, they hatched a plan to sabotage the office of president and installed a known yes-man, Airmax, who would do what they want. By having him stay inactive, they deprived the members of DART of representation for an entire year. And they thought we wouldn’t notice! We’re on to your tricks, Illuminati scum!

 

Conspi Theo is a biblical scholar and scientist who lives on his own in the West Virginia forests, where he spends his time attempting to track down new, large, bipedal species of apes. When he isn’t researching, he operates a business that sells custom items made of tinfoil, including a wildly popular series of hats.

 

By Carl Engels

Just over five months after starting his new account, Novice_II has reached, at the time of this writing, an incredible debate rating of 1899, only 23 points short than the site leader, oromagi. Oromagi has led the debate rankings for over three years, boasting a record of 114 wins and only 3 losses. However, one of those losses is to Novice_II. The pair have sparred twice, with each debater claiming a win. Perhaps more impressively, Novice_II has achieved this level despite continually thumbing his nose at the website bourgeoisie. His position as an uncompromising champion of the proletariat has made him a controversial figure, and a true hero of the revolution. In the background, users Intelligence_06 and RationalMadman are also gaining rating. The anti-elite RationalMadman has once again passed 1800 rating and is quickly gaining on the leaders. We have a full blown fight for the crown, comrades. Who will triumph? The upstart proletariat hero? The elite member of the bourgeoisie? The Chinese prodigy? Or the fiery veteran? Only time will tell!

Carl Engels is a writer from California and the recently published author of Real Socialism: Why We’ll Get It Right This Time.

By Trum Porter

If you’ve been here long, you’ve seen the recurring threads about who the best debaters are. This topic has once again surged to the forefront as some users challenge whether the most highly rated debaters on DART are any good. The most high-profile of these conversations was in the debate “Barney is not a good debater”, in which thinking conservative Vici OWNED and DESTROYED progressive soyboy Barney. Meanwhile, oromagi has once again taken fire for his continual noob sniping and has been EXPOSED as the DemoRAT loser he really is. Everyone knows the real champion is SirAnonymous, who PROVED his dominance in this brilliant thread. Yup, this complete pwnage is going on YouTube!

Trum Porter is an Oklahoma-based journalist and the author of multiple books, including best-sellers Constantine: Making Rome Great Again and Orange Man Good.

By Grandpa Curmudgeon

Yup, here we go again. Tomorrow is Election Tuesday, the only holiday where we all agree that we all hate each other. And I tell you what, son, this is the most important election of your lifetime… so far. Back in my day, we all voted. And guess what? We’re all still voting, cuz modern healthcare made sure that we lived this long. But when we voted, we had to go uphill, both ways, in the snow, past the lions, over the alligator moat, and through the dungeons and dragons just to get to the voting booth. And it was worth it because that was the most important election of our lives. The next one was too. And the next one. In fact, now that I’m thinking about it, I reckon that every election I’ve ever voted in was the most important one of my lifetime. But you kids got it easy. The most you gotta remember when you vote is that you have to bring your own water or ask the poll workers for one. Such suffering, kid. So get out there and vote. It's the most important election of your lifetime, so far. The next one will be too. You’ll catch on.

Grandpa Curmudgeon is the proud grandfather of seven young rascals. He spends his days writing, thinking, and using his cane to drive off annoying newspaper editors.

 

 

By ScumAnonymous

After a raucous game of Conspiracy Theory mafia, the post-mortem arguments devolved into a Valentine’s day event. Pie and RM were the first to open their violin cases and start emptying magazines in each other’s direction after a spat over each other’s mafia skills – or, as they might say of each other, the lack thereof. Other mafiosos joined in as the situation spiraled out of control. Chicago Mayor Lori Lightfoot released a statement warning citizens of the danger. “There is an ongoing mafia shootout, so please be aware. I’d ask you all to stay in interior rooms away from windows, but everyone’s already doing that, because this is Chicago, after all.” Thankfully, the drum magazines on everyone’s Thompson submachine guns jammed, ending the shootout.

ScumAnonymous is a Chicago-based mafioso and sports writer.

 

Badger has posted a missing person notice for FLRW.

Vici and Bones have been accused of being alts. They came, they saw, they protested their innocence.

I can’t tell you.