#History Explained

Disclaimer: This is purely for entertainment. It is not intended to parody any specific person, nor is it intended to be an accurate representation of any political movements mentioned in it. I am entirely aware that no one actually thinks like this (I hope, anyway). I wonder whether anyone actually reads these copy-pasted disclaimers. This is completely satirical. None of the below content necessarily reflects my own opinions and beliefs.

A production of the DART Bard

Featuring ScumAnonymous

Well, pal, it all started in 1095 when the Byzantine emperor noticed the Seljuq Turks were steppin' on his turf. He knew that, if that kept up, he and his empire would be wearin' cement overshoes. So off he went to ask the big boss, Pope Urban II, for some help. Boss Urban was a real pal, so he went around his home turf in France to get people to help the emperor. Well, some hermit named Peter and a knight called Walter got all carried away and led a bunch of reckless fellers east. Before they got there, they fought battles in Hungary cause they were hungry. When they finally did get to the front, well, pal, that was a blood red August, and it wasn't Seljuq blood, let me tell you. But those fellers were just small fry. The real deal started when the French and Norman bosses got together with their boys. Thirty-five thousand knights joined up with the emperor and his boys and got ready to whoop some Turks. They took Nicaea first. Then the Normans ran into the Turks, who were led by Arslan - yes, pal, Arslan, not Aslan. Pay attention, there ain't no lions in this story. As I was saying, the Normans ran into the Turks, and they were in some trouble until the French got there. Back then, see, the French weren't no surrender monkeys. They whooped the Turks and marched on Antioch. It took them so long to take the city that hundreds of the crusaders starved, see. Well, that made them real mad, pal, real mad. They marched on Jerusalem, and when they took it, it was a bloody day.  They meant business, and they didn't mess around. Even people who hid in mosques and synagogues were blown away. They even burned a synagogue full of people. It wasn't pretty, pal, but it kept the Seljuq Turks off their turf for years.

Disclaimer: This is purely for entertainment. It is not intended to parody any specific person, nor is it intended to be an accurate representation of any political movements mentioned in it. I am entirely aware that no one actually thinks like this (I hope, anyway). This is completely satirical. None of the below content necessarily reflects my own opinions and beliefs.

A production of the DART Bard

Featuring Carl Engels

The Mongol Empire began to take form when Temujin united the proletariat Mongol tribes. After gathering them around him under the flag of united labor, they invaded the part of China called Western Xia, and Temujin proclaimed himself to be Genghis Khan, the ruler of all Mongols. Faced with the united strength of Mongol workers before their capital, the fat and decadent Chinese bourgeoisie submitted. But when Genghis Khan began his liberation of workers in other parts of China, the capitalists of Western Xia betrayed him. Enraged, Genghis Khan began to destroy their cities. Some may complain that these tactics were needlessly ruthless, but Genghis Khan understood the dialectics of history and did his best to bring true communism. The resourceful Mongolian proletariat learned bit by bit how to defeat the fortifications of the capitalists, and the empires of China fell one by one. The dear leader Genghis Khan died in 1227, but his fellow workers carried on the liberation. China, Korea, India, Russia, Kazakhstan, and the Middle East saw the fall of the bourgeoisie and the rise of the proletariat. It seemed, for a moment, that capitalism would fall and communism would be ushered in. But corruption entered the heart of Mongolia. Genghis's grandson Kublai Khan fell in love with decadence. His grandfather's vision of a free world was dashed as Kublai fell to the siren song of capitalism. The Mongols ceased to be the proletariat and became the bourgeoisie they had sought to destroy. The dream of the end of capitalism was lost. When Kublai died, the Mongol Empire split into pieces. Thus did the bourgeoisie triumph, and the vicious dialectic continues to this day.