DART Bard, 2nd Edition, 8/30/2020

Disclaimer: The below content is entirely satirical. Any events described within it are not necessarily factual. Any representation of any person, whether a site member or not, is not intended to be accurate or in any way offensive. Any use of negative terms or portrayal of any person or site member is for the sole purpose of satirical humor and is not intended to be offensive. I do not necessarily agree with any opinions expressed below.

Edited by SirAnonymous

2nd edition

“If you don’t want your opinions to be mocked, don’t have opinions!”

By Carl Engels

A debate tournament was started recently to allow DART users to showcase their skills in a competitive way. Ten DART users entered the tournament as debaters and two entered as judges. According to tournament organizer BearMan,“Every single round, one person is eliminated and ties are not allowed.” However, suspicions have grown about the tournament, especially around its organizer. The bear is the symbol of Russia, which indicates that BearMan could be a Russian agent. This theory is strengthened by the very nature of the event. No sane, decent person would ever consent to civilly discussing a disagreement. Furthermore, debaters were randomly assigned a side on the issues, forcing some of them to argue against their beliefs. How can any properly adjusted person be expected to argue against the position that they unthinkingly believe because their favorite politician said so? This is clearly a Russian plot! Today, they’re trying to trick us into thinking that people who disagree with us aren’t literal fascists, which they obviously are. Tomorrow, they’ll have us thinking that people on the other side of the political spectrum might actually be right about something! Oh, the humanity!

Carl Engels is a writer from California and the recently published author of Real Socialism: Why We’ll Get It Right This Time.

By Trum Porter

According to a recent report, DART’s King of the Hill oromagi is getting close to reaching 88 mph in his DeLorean. The number one debater, who will soon win his 87th debate, was able to complete his flux capacitor after his 86th win. Now that he has completed the last piece of his time machine, the only remaining problem is to find a source that can supply 1.21 gigawatts of power. If oromagi can get that much power, it will be an impressive achievement: that much power hasn’t been harnessed by any DART user since Bsh1 Franklin stood outside during Hurricane Utopia Crumbles while holding a kite with a wire running down the string. But for the DART King, this will doubtless be a minor obstacle. Oromagi has yet to announce what he will do when he gets his DeLorean to 88 mph with 1.21 gigawatts of power; however, many speculate that he will use it to go back to the future to read all of his opponent’s upcoming arguments and give a book full of future sports scores to his younger self.

Trum Porter is an Oklahoma-based journalist and the author of multiple books, including best-sellers Constantine: Making Rome Great Again and Orange Man Good.

By Environmental Wacko

Earlier this week, DART moderators kicked off the second annual Hall of Fame nomination and election process, which celebrates the best users, threads, and debates of the year. DART users are gladly participating in this event, despite the fact that the environment is being destroyed all around them. While species are going extinct and ocean levels are rising, DART users are handing out compliments to nominees like candy. They even have the audacity to nominate high-quality debates filled with rational and civil discussion. This is appalling. There can be no debate. There are only two types of people: those that advocate for the most expensive, farthest left environmental agenda possible, and those flat-earthers who stick their fingers in their ears and scream anti-science slogans while burning textbooks. Heedless of this, users on DART continue to have fun with their science-denying Hall of Fame. You are the Nero who fiddles while Rome burns. How dare you have fun and celebrate while the environment is being destroyed RIGHT NOW. I can’t even with you people. How DARE you.

Environmental Wacko is a climate activist, blogger, and professional basket-weaver.

By Conspi Theo

RationalMadman, DART’s most active user, has been temporarily banned. This is a clear sign of the end times. Just look at his profile picture! Do you see what it is? A symbol! You know what another name for symbol is? A sign. WOW! Also, take a look at this: He was banned on 8/12/2020 until 9/23/2020. Both of those numbers have 3 2s. Three is the number of the Trinity, and 2 is the number of times Jesus will have come to earth at the end times. Amazing! But now look at the numbers that are left when you remove the 2s. In the first date, 8 and 1 are left, and 8-1=7, which is the Hebrew number of perfection! In the second date, 9 and 3 are left, and 9+3=12, which is the number of the tribes of Israel! Powerful stuff. And just look at the name RationalMadman. Paul said he was a fool for Christ. Sounds like a Rational Madman tome! It’s clear: the end times are coming. Can I get an amen or what?

Conspi Theo is a biblical scholar and scientist who lives on his own in the West Virginia forests, where he spends his time attempting to track down new, large, bipedal species of apes. When he isn’t researching, he operates a business that sells custom items made of tinfoil, including a wildly popular series of hats.

By ScumAnonymous

Well, town on DART has won the last two games of mafia, and I just can’t even. First town won in Stormlight Archives,and then in the States Mafia. I gotta say, my state is pretty stormy right now, and there ain’t a lot of light. Town MVP in the States Mafia was oromagi, and the scum least dreadful player was Discipulus_SpellingNamesIsHardus. It dragged on for 6 day phases, and finished in a long, lonely night. Mafia also lost in the Stormlight Archives, and there wasn’t even a town MVP because the mafia was so – sob – terrible. And now the most recent mafia game is called Naruto Mafia. That’s right, they compared to fearsome mafia to an anime show. An anime show.I just – I – I don’t think I can handle this.

ScumAnonymous is a Chicago-based mafioso and sports writer.

The great and mighty wizard oromagi performed some incantation by repeating Ramshutu’s name three times to bring him back on the site for a brief period. The Wizard’s Council is currently investigating him on suspicions of necromancy.

RationalMadman has been banned for rational madness. In other news, water, wet.

Ethang5 has been banned for irrational madness. Water is still wet.

TNBinc, vector, and lady3keys have joined DART. To our newcomers: I’m really, really sorry.

Lunatic Louis Stevenson is looking for a publisher for his new book The Strange Case of Dr. Lunatic and Mr. Pattern.

Conspi Theo is still looking for someone to “Amen!” his end times predictions.

If you want to submit story suggestions or even complete stories to the DART, feel free to PM the editor!