Disclaimer: The below content is entirely satirical. Any events described within it are not necessarily factual. Any representation of any person, whether a site member or not, is not intended to be accurate or in any way offensive. Any use of negative terms or portrayal of any person or site member is for the sole purpose of satirical humor and is not intended to be offensive. I do not necessarily agree with any opinions expressed below.
DART BARD
Edited by SirAnonymous
3rd Edition
Special Extended Hall of Fame Edition
"An extremist is someone who can't laugh at their own opinions."
NEWS
Chief Moderator Virtuoso Changes Name to David in Yet Another Illuminati Kidnapping.
By Conspi Theo.
DART's chief moderator Virtuoso has changed his username to David just weeks after debate moderator christopher_best changed his username to MisterChris. No official reasons have been provided, but, according to a source who chose not to be identified for fear of angering the Illuminati, this is evidence that they have been secretly kidnapped by the Illuminati and replaced by Illuminati agents David and MisterChris. The New World Order is slowly tightening its grip on DART. First, it locked former debate moderator Ramshutu out of his account. Next, bsh1 was banned after a corrupt gamble with blamonkey. Now, two of DART's four active moderators have been kidnapped by the New World Order. DART's membership needs to stand up to this tyranny and expose this conspiracy for what it truly is. "They" will never win!
Conspi Theo is a biblical scholar and scientist who lives on his own in the West Virginia forests, where he spends his time attempting to track down new, large, bipedal species of apes. When he isn't researching, he operates a business that sells custom items made of tinfoil, including a wildly popular series of hats.
New Challengers: Intelligence_06 and MisterChris Enter the Top 5
By Trum Porter
DART users Intelligence_06 and MisterChris have displaced Trent0405 and semperfortis in the Top 5, claiming the title of Challengers. While these two are out there WINNING, Sleepy Trent hasn't even taken on any debates to regain his position. Sad! Meanwhile, RationalMadman, who reached 3rd place before being banned and falling to 9th, has been accepting debates left and right like a logical lunatic in an effort to climb the ranks. According to the latest reports, former challenger Speedrace is returning to debating after participating in a tournament. That's right, folks. We have four contenders preparing to battle it out for the title of Challenger. What a great competition, the best, really. Not many people know this, but I've looked at the numbers, and there are only two available places for four debaters. However, that will only last until Ragnar - a great debater, really a great guy, the best - overtakes Ramshutu. The undefeated legend is only 9 points behind that quitter Ramshutu, and he's leading the voting in two debates, which should be enough to put him at number 2. So much winning! We're going to witness a great battle between DART's best for the Top 5, and it'll be tremendous, just tremendous, and you can read all about it here at the DART Bard!
Trum Porter is an Oklahoma-based journalist and the author of multiple books, including best-sellers Constantine: Making Rome Great Again and Orange Man Good.
HALL OF FAME
Editor's Note: This month, the best users, threads, debates, and miscellaneous gems have been inducted into the DART Hall of Fame. We at the DART Bard would like to congratulate those who were inducted personally or had their debates, threads, and content inducted. We are celebrating this ceremonious occasion with this special extended version of the DART Bard, in which we'll cover each of the entrants. Congratulations to everyone who made it! --SirAnonymous
Users
By Carl Engels
--oromagi
A clear proletariat hero. With no formal debate experience and only a rhetoric course to aid him, this member of the common rabble has surpassed all expectations, including his own, to reach the top of the debate leaderboard. Take that, you bourgeoisie elitists!
--Ragnar
Yeah, the deputy mod gets in. That's totally not the bourgeoisie helping each other out, nope, definitely not. I'm definitely not disgusted by the capitalist corruption that let an aristocrat like him into the HoF, no, not at all.
--SupaDudz
What a great comrade! He's made more posts in the forums than any other user, he's an active debater, musical artist, poet, and rapper. Now if only he'd join the Communist Party, he'd be flawless.
Debates
By ScumAnonymous
--Resolved: The US should institute congressional term limits (blamonkey vs. bsh1)
In this epic blow, blamonkey lays out a stunning case against using term limits to remove mafia-friendly legislators while cooly gunning down the arguments of former site cop bsh1. Opening his violin case and blowing away bsh1's account while he was at it was a nice touch.
--Legalized Abortion (vector vs. MisterChris)
This debate was okay, but it was better back when Chris wore his stylish black hat from the 20s that made him look like a mafia hitman. Still worth reading, though.
--Is Jesus the Messiah? (Dustandashes vs. Virtuoso, a.k.a. David)
This was an awesome debate that helped me understand why people believe - wait, is that-a the sheriff? You-a, deal, with him, Tony.
Threads
By Trum Porter
--DART Bard, 1st Edition, 1/3/2020 (SirAnonymous)
Tremendous thread! Maybe even best ever! Not many people know this, but this thread was a defining moment in DART history. It was the start of something great! It was written by good people, trust me, they are great people, the best. I know some really smart people, but these guys are really, really smart people. Tremendously smart. And that editor, he's the best, maybe, I don't know, maybe ever. Some people say that. A lot of people say that. Some people don't say it, but I don't listen to those people. They don't win. They're losers, actually. Not good. Sad. Not like this thread. It won so much, and it keeps winning. In fact, we're tired of winning, but we can't stop. Believe me, this is the greatest thread, believe me. Just great.
--I will stereotype debaters properly. (RationalMadman)
RM stereotyped a lot of great people in this thread, and he was great. Fantastic. Winning. It was hilarious, really funny, not like the fake news media which has no sense of humor. They lie a lot, believe me. But RM was fantastic in this thread, amazing. He's a smart guy, really smart. We need more people who can write like this. You should read it.
--DEBATE ART TOURNAMENT ROUND ONE (Bearman)
This was great, believe me, I am really sick of doing my impression of Trump. He's the best president ever and tells it like it is, but I just can't do it like he does it. Any way, you should definitely check out this thread. Bearman set up a debate tournament with ten different debaters, which hasn't been done on DART in over a year. I can't imagine anything more true to the spirit of this site than this thread. Congratulations, and well done.
Miscellaneous
By Environmental Wacko
--Ragnar is the natural alpha male of this website. (RationalMadman)
I am so triggered right now. How can anyone think that promoting toxic masculinity at a time like this is at all acceptable? This is what's wrong with the world. YOU ARE THE PROBLEM!!! Stop being a misogynist who promotes alpha male trash, or I'll make sure you get canceled.
--BrotherDThomas’ performance art (BrotherDThomas)
BrotherDThomas, a longstanding advocate of common sense population control with his promotion of serial killer God, definitely earned this. Defending serial killing with an outraged tone and tacky style is exactly what we need right now. Just check out reddit or twitter if you don't believe me!
SPORTS
Mafia Concede Twice in a Row, Get Completely Left out of a Joke Game, and Win Twice in a Row.
By Trum Porter
ScumAnonymous had to be carried from the room on a stretcher after passing out when the Civil War Generals mafia ended, so I'm stuck being the sports writer this month. Blech. Anyway, the not-so-terrifying mafia conceded twice in a row, first in the Naruto Mafia and second in the Civil War Generals Mafia. The mafia just didn't stand a chance when Trump called the National Guard on 'em. Totally owned those libs and their mostly peaceful protests! In the Satire Mafia, they were too scared to even show up. Snowflakes. Then, somehow, probably due to Dimocrat mayors defunding the police, they won two games in a row with the BAMF and Arrowverse mafias. Funny, isn't it, how both of those games were modded by lefties? Yeah, just a coincidence that the mafia win when libs are in charge and concede or don't even show up when conservatives and libertarians are in charge - NOT. Take that, ya commies!
I ain't writing Mr. Porter's signature down here again. That's work, and you already saw it earlier. Scroll up if you want to see it, you lazy louts!
Debate Tournament Reaches the Third Round
By Grandpa Curmudgeon
DART's grand old debate tournament is in the third round. Only MisterChris, Supadudz, and Nikunj_Sanghai are left. Woooh. Yeah, tell me Bearman: did you hand out participation trophies to everyone who didn't make it? Bet you did, or those millennials and Gen Z'ers will cry. Back in my day, we never cried. Nope, men were real men then. Didn't need no safe-spaces. And when we had a beef, we duked it out like gentlemen without any of this online debate tomfoolery. Yessir, that's how it was. Never heard such nonsense like "Resolved: A public health emergency justifies limiting civil liberties." Take away my rights, will ya? No sirree, don't tread on me! Now get off my lawn, or I'll learn you a lesson you ain't gonna like!
Grandpa Curmudgeon is the proud grandfather of seven young rascals. He spends his days writing, thinking, and throwing his dentures at people who annoy - OW!
MEMBERS
RationalMadman has returned.
MarkWebberFan, Sum1hugme, vpnconnections, Safalcon7, and Theweakeredge have arrived. Hmm, one of those sounds like it doesn't belong in that list. Not sure why...
Drafterman has also returned, and nearly decided to leave again. I will never tell a lie, I did not get involved with the drama in the mafia end-hey, quit laughing!
CLASSIFIED
Join RM in the Caribbean for some mafia! Oh, and watch out for the pirates.
Theweakeredge is looking for debate topics. What a great opportunity to spam him with thousands of ideas - I mean, to help generate productive discussions about relevant subjects.
If you want to write a story for the Bard or suggest an idea, PM the editor.
