Why do you believe god is those things you used as slang against him? The third commandment not “Thou shalt not take the name of the Lord thy God in vain”. You may be frustrated and even feel hatred, which is fine, but you mustn’t curse Him.
Secondly, why? Why do you have such hatred for religion? I’m genuinely curious.
As for the Jews, I have a few points.
1) "Jewish religious scholars, therefore, need to figure out actual laws to make sure they don't get fucked over by their asshole god.” This is incorrect. Rabbinic authorities don’t rewrite or "figure out actual laws”, but rather they have developed what is known as the Oral Torah, such as the Gemarah and Talmud. This 'Oral Torah' explains what is known as the ‘Written Torah’. It elaborates and provides clarity, but it doesn’t reconfigure. Furthermore, your notion that this all has to do somehow with the jews hating their “ass hole” and “dick” God is simply wrong.
2) You said that " the laws were written by an asshole and thus are not designed to scale easily into new situations.” You do realize that Judaism is the first and most longstanding religion, to this day, right?
3) "Since their god is a dick the jews only follow the letter of the laws, not the spirit.” Still no proof for your claim that “God is a Dick”, but let’s focus on the second part of this quote: “The Jews only follow the letter of the law.” This is not true, as I previously explained how the Oral Torah elaborates on certain laws (like Kosher and Modesty/Tznius)
4) "following the letter of the law in a way that still lets jews do the stuff they want to do” Give an example. And don’t say raping prisoners, as that is an extreme fringe minority opinion that believes it’s OK.
Side Note: Yes, a lot of the time, Jews do make loopholes within the laws and the Torah, I am not negating that. I am just saying don’t dump on the entire branch of Judaism because of it. Also, why else do you think that Jews make good lawyers? (this is a joke)
5) "I did recently see a book where a rabbi said that Jews would pray in Aramaic to trick God because he couldn't understand Aramaic and so they could pray for things like the deaths of their enemies.” This is again incorrect, as God is all-knowing. He knows every language down to the syllable and beyond.
6) "So anyway God commanded no candles on the sabbath. Clearly this is intended to forbid indoor lighting on the sabbath. How is using sabbath lights actually obey the spirit of the law to eradicate indoor lighting on the sabbath?” Half-right. Yes, G-d forbids making a fire on the Sabbath, this has nothing to do with wanting to forbid indoor lighting, and you are allowed to use “shabbos lights” (lights that go on before the Sabbath and have a shade.). De facto, the reason for banning fire creation on the Sabbath is because it is considered work, not to forbid indoor lighting.
Side Note (2): Yes, Judaism is complex and tricky and loopholey. That’s why they don’t recommend conversion like Christians and Muslims do. But at some point, if it what you want, it just requires a leap of faith in God.
7) "There is also a tradition which I have seen in Israel where Jews spit at Christian churches” It’s just one stupid video, and we don’t even know the context. and as rosends states: it is a largely condemned superstition.
I’ll end with this:
do you support Israel or Iran?