#gingers

The first Jew was Jacob, he had a twin brother named Esau. Prior to the twin's births God gave a prophecy. The older twin would serve the younger twin and be more prosperous. 

When it came time to give birth Esau came out first, but Jacob was said to grab his heal and pull him back in and then came out prior. That would make Esau technically the oldest though there is an argument for either. 

It should be noted that Jacob means "one who grabs the heal" which at the time was also a phrase to mean deceiver but preachers and rabbis who recite this story either ignore this dual meaning or use some sort of cope. 

Esau was big and hairy, with red hair. He was a strapping young lad who hunted. Jacob was more effeminate and was a Shephard. 

While growing up at one point Esau had come in from a pretty vicious hunt. He was starving to death and in fact if he did not eat soon he would die. Jacob being the piece of shit he is says to his brother "give me your birth right and I will give you some food". Esau knew his birthright was no good if he was dead, so he agreed.

When you hear a rabbi speak of this story they will praise this evil deed as smart on Jacob's part or some other such nonsense. Really this is just some dick head fucking over his brother. 

Anyway more time passes and the father of these young men is about to die. His sight has faded but he pretty much has his wits about him. He knows he is about to die so he sends esau off to hunt and prepare his favorite dish. 

Jacob's mother tells him and decides to help Jacob once again do something really shitty. She covers Jacob with the hair of a wool  so he is hairy like esau and has him prepare dad's favorite dish while Esau is hunting.

Jacob prepares the dish and comes to his father's death bed.

He says "Dad it is me esau with the dish you asked for"

Dad says "is it really you esau? Come closer so I may give you your blessing (inheritance). So Jacob comes closer and his dad feels his skin and feels the sheep skin he strapped to himself and says, "it is the voice of Jacob but the skin of esau" and asks once again "Is it really you Esau?". Jacob again lies and says it is and then the Dad gives Jacob Esau's birth right. 

Pretty shit thing in general. I have a brother so this story hits me in the feels. I could never do that. Anyway sometime later Jacob leaves for a town where his cousin lives so he can marry her. This is because for whatever reason cousin marriage was preferred at the time. He ru s into his father's brother and promises to work for him for 7 years for his youngest daughter. 

After 7 years he has earned the right to marry the youngest girl but the father puts a fast one and swaps her with her much uglier older sister tricking Jacob. A much deserved trick it was. That's karma bitch, but Jacob just works another 7 years and earns the you gest daughter and yadda yadda dad tries to essentially enslave him so he takes off with his brides and the flock he has earned and heads back home.

Jacob being a piece of shit is not over yet. He gets close to home and fears Esau's wrath. So knowing that Esau might be vengeful and want to murder he has the women and children go first. How brave. His brother did not murder his wife and kids so he decided to meet Esau and started begging him.

"Please Esau let me give you my flocks etc."

Esau says "hey brother I love you I am just glad you are back"

As any normal good brother would but eventually after much begging from Jacob Esau did accept some token gifts .

They lived near each other and Jacob and his family grew too big so they expanded and started bumping into a new tribe. This new tribe thought it was a good ideal to make peace with Jacob so they could intermarry and be good neighbors with trade and other things.

Jacob being the piece of shit he is, concocts a plot. 

He tells the other tribe they have a custom that they can only marry other jews and need to be circumcised. These were such good people they quickly converted to Judaism and circumcised themselves. A few days later when all the men were essentially in bed recovering from such a painful thing, Jacob went in there and mass murdered all the males and kept all the women and merchandise for himself 

That's the story of one of the biggest pieces of shits to ever live and Jews think this guy is awesome and a model for all Jews.