Orthodox Christianity is about purifying the heart, not explaining things.
I would say that you have a superstitious understanding of The Ultimate Reality as the idea of it coming from anywhere is nonsensical(though you don't know yet), and you have an idea of human consciousness that you attribute to God, which we would not accept either.
I would say that your understanding has been influenced greatly by the heretical western church which has fallen into two major errors.
1. A dominance/submission fetish that in do doubt is the influence of Rome's heresy, which is defined by submission to the Bishop of Rome, and said Bishops dominance. The reaction of the protestants against this, which was to reject the Roman Bishop and Church Tradition with it. Secularism is the natural progression of the protestant mentality, eventually rejecting the bible, and even God all together.
2. The idea that God is grasped through proper education and logic rather than purifying the heart, which has caused the west to stray in that a corrupt heart full of idolatry is incapable of seeing clearly to reason, and is blind to its own blindness. The Latins adopted scholasticism(rejected by Orthodoxy from the beginning), and after the west rejected it, what filled the void was nihilism and the arbitrariness that naturally developed as a means to grapple with the absurd through intellectual means alone.
But of course, if you don't believe that Orthodox is the true and original form of Christianity that has remained faithful to Holy Tradition guided by the spirit of truth, you are going to be confused in believing our claims are just as valid as the heretics!
And so, just like depression, the nihilism intrinsic to atheism is self defeating and self perpetuating. And like most people who are truly depressed and negative minded, they will say, "I'm not pessimistic, I am realistic!"