Addiction, Flaws and the Madman's last goodbye.

Author: RationalMadman

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RationalMadman
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I know people will think it is fake as is my quitting but it is 100% real and in the weirdest strangest contradiction of everything, I have realized that I should never have had the rich yet agonizing experience of meeting all those individuals.

I cannot even begin to understand how crazy I am. I am seeking therapy IRL.

I am not sure how to fix myself. If there is a god I cry in appreciation of the mercy shown to let me have gotten away with being such a prick for so long. I got protected a LOT by god and do believe in one. Again, I know I write this, feel this and in a couple days need to fight myself reverting. I am just saying I see it now. I didn't see it before. Not really. Not ever. In my eyes I was always reacting, responding, yet I was instigating and provoking too.

I want to formally apologize for selfish reasons to get it off my chest also so that this is the last post that defines me which is a privilege Id not even have if David had had his way and banned me and maybe was right to want that.

To make this at least seem less of my attention seeking bullcrap Ill be specific in my eloquent way (the eloquence is real, egotistical or not).

Airmax, if somehow you see this via others, I am sorry and grateful too for you seeing me as the troubled guy I was and having mercy always.

Bench, Sir Lancelot, Ramshutu, Wylted, Lunatic, all of you. I allowed my pain and agitation to cloud me. Sorry means nothing here. I understand if you all think I'm a shithead. I really see it now, it hurts and I am writing this before my ego blinds me and before I detox from all social media.

I am sorry to whiteflame for the stress caused and a lot of other mods too. I did have others along the way that led to me feeling goaded into drama especially the presidency shit, and Austin with the challenge of who won.

I do not know how bad I would have been as president but the stress and anxiety would likely have made me worse and at best (yes, best) led to me quitting in a tantrum.

I do not fathom why Wylted won. I do feel I got manipulated to run by at least 1 member. However, it was my inability to go: "nah, I am too busy and this affects my mental health enough already" that led to me even being on a site I never should have helped grow with all my activity nor should have despised.

Mikal, sorry for assuming the worst. I do not grasp charity of the sort you got, blame my autism blame anything. There are many members perhaps including me that needed such money to help us gain independence or pay bills/fees. We needed it as bad and I do not get why you get to be the favorite saved one yet look at me.

Just look at me. The toxicity I got away with.

I helped build DART up from scratch but I tarnished it all the way through as well. I think it is a lie to say sorry for how I acted alone. I am sorry for acting at all. Even to myself. I tried to soothe pain of being a pathetic loser IRL stuck in a super toxic situation that covid lockdown exacerbated and was never truly mentally well.

I literally kept the same username not because I thought it was still entirely true but fear of others impersonating me. I didn't think I mattered that much, I thought somehow what if they did and what they do gets associated with me etc.

I live with that fear. That may never go. It is paranoia maybe but I am at a loss as to how to escape such a vicious trap. The only alternative would be passively viewing just to get a clue if such a member became obviously prominent, which would tempt me to sign up anyway.

Online forum addiction is not a specifically recognised addiction. I cannot be sure it ruined me or if I was already broken. The latter is way more likely.

I am not only sorry. I want anyone else addicted to this to please not make me famous for this post but to ask themselves and ask others the question if the wins are even worth it.

I am saying places like this are inherently flawed and bait people in let's say Russia or China to say stuff that gets them brutally dealt with. It brings out the worst in us. Even if we are kind, how can we help others? Some see that freedom as good. Why do you need this to feel good? Ask yourself why. Really ask it again, use your debating tactics to debate against the delusion. Then ask, even if that is a valid reason, is this even close to the best way to handle it?

I am most ultimately sorry for being a vibekiller to every single one of you. I felt I had to be special and active to keep the vibe up, I cannot undo this... Wish I could.

FLRW
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@RationalMadman

Best Wishes!   (FLRW shows heart symbol with his hands)
Best.Korea
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if the wins are even worth it.
Actually, wins cause whats often known as "invincibility complex".

Its quite simple.

You start winning. You win easily. You convince yourself that you are the best. Then eventually, you lose. Your mind cannot process the loss nor explain it, so you start coming up with excuses such as "I didnt try my best". So you keep trying and if you cant win, you feel bad because the previous victories dont seem like enough.

You also reach whats often known as "intellectual limit".

Your mind simply cannot overcome new harder challenges, but going back to previous challenges doesnt seem good enough anymore.

Thus, you enter a depression because you feel like your intelligence isnt enough anymore.

In nature, only if you survive, you feel good. But today, any intellectual loses make you think "if this was a fight to the death, I would lose and die.".

Thus, you begin to feel as if you are being spared while also developing self-hatred for yourself due to lack of ability to deal with the problem.

Then the only way your mentality can justify itself is if you come up with excuses such as "I was never given a fair  chance in life. My parents didnt give me what other parents gave their children."

Then you start hating everyone around you and you begin acting hostile towards anyone because you think the world is unfair.

But then it gets even worse because you are destroying relationships with people,  and then your mental health declines even further until the last pieces of sanity are lost and you sink into darkness from which there will never be a way out.
ADreamOfLiberty
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Ask yourself why. Really ask it again, use your debating tactics to debate against the delusion. Then ask, even if that is a valid reason, is this even close to the best way to handle it?
It's a vent for impotence, but so are a great many phenomenon in human society and within the individual.
Best.Korea
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But I always assume that I am the worst and a loser, so I dont fall into "invincibility complex" trap.

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I can help you regain your mental peace, but that requires that we perform some satanic rituals and we must draw certain satanic symbol on your left hand to begin the process. Before you go to sleep, you must draw certain satanic symbol on your hand. The symbol contains 4 lines, and its purpose is to summon one of the dark Gods who will come to you while you sleep to guide you towards better life.

You also must watch World Conquest Zvezda Plot anime, because I think it cures autism if you watch it for more than 4 times.
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I can help you, but you must do everything I tell you and you must swear allegiance to Venera and Satan.
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I think I'm fairly clever when I want to be.  Probably more in short bursts than the whole drawn out debating side. And I like to flex it in argument with people. But it's not so nice what you uncover sometimes. 

Ireland's an idyllic sort of place tbh. Chat about what you did at the weekend, sports, TV shows. Laugh with the cashier you see every day about nothing in particular. Feel a bit of pity for the disabled. Puts your own problems into perspective. Just a bunch of humans getting along.

I don't know how some of you lot do it. American politics and religion seems to dredge up a whole lot of ill feeling and will. Just seems to be a lot of gross inhumanity in it. Don't know what other way to say it. Lends an aspect to your day walking around. I guess a hesitancy about people. I definitely prefer my rose tinted glasses.

Just add healthy, fun things to your life little by little. Fitness is always a good start. Lift weights, run, calisthenics and bouldering if you want something a little more technical. Maybe get up a mountain eventually. Take control of yourself rather than trying to control others. As much as you can. Art is something I'm trying to push myself back into recently. You only need a few decent people in your life. Let the rest be noise.

Starts with an hour a day.
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You quit the site for several months. Then when you pop back in, your first and final post is to weep and gnash your teeth, and announce that you have "internet forum addiction" and need to quit. You dredge up random drama that happened like ten years ago and flagellate yourself for it, apologizing to users who were never even on DART and will never see this.

What was the point of this?
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@Swagnarok
apologizing to users who were never even on DART and will never see this.
Oh, you don't know that. I found this site because someone mentioned me and I was trying to find one of my posts on DDO. Just the name-drop can draw them, internet works on seance rules.
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Don't kid yourself. You'll be back.
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Good luck, I hope you find that elusive peace of mind.

Don't try too hard, relax and let it come to you.
Mharman
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o7 

Sorry for the beef I had with you. I was being fake af to not offend you when I should’ve just spoke my mind.
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I am saying places like this are inherently flawed and bait people in let's say Russia or China to say stuff that gets them brutally dealt with.
Honestly people without freedom of speech shouldn't be welcome here. You use a VPN so you are safe or you fuck off. It's a debate site and not my problem. 

That's why I think intelligence shouldn't be here. He knows he doesn't have freedom of speech and he takes no actions to protect himself from the government seeing his posts so he shouldn't be welcome here. 
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Russia is not overly bad. They still have some issues but I have seen Russian youtubers insultthe government. You don't see that from Chinese youtubers, but the Russian are careful about how they do it