Addiction, Flaws and the Madman's last goodbye.

I cannot even begin to understand how crazy I am. I am seeking therapy IRL.

I am not sure how to fix myself. If there is a god I cry in appreciation of the mercy shown to let me have gotten away with being such a prick for so long. I got protected a LOT by god and do believe in one. Again, I know I write this, feel this and in a couple days need to fight myself reverting. I am just saying I see it now. I didn't see it before. Not really. Not ever. In my eyes I was always reacting, responding, yet I was instigating and provoking too.

I want to formally apologize for selfish reasons to get it off my chest also so that this is the last post that defines me which is a privilege Id not even have if David had had his way and banned me and maybe was right to want that.

To make this at least seem less of my attention seeking bullcrap Ill be specific in my eloquent way (the eloquence is real, egotistical or not).

Airmax, if somehow you see this via others, I am sorry and grateful too for you seeing me as the troubled guy I was and having mercy always.

Bench, Sir Lancelot, Ramshutu, Wylted, Lunatic, all of you. I allowed my pain and agitation to cloud me. Sorry means nothing here. I understand if you all think I'm a shithead. I really see it now, it hurts and I am writing this before my ego blinds me and before I detox from all social media.

I am sorry to whiteflame for the stress caused and a lot of other mods too. I did have others along the way that led to me feeling goaded into drama especially the presidency shit, and Austin with the challenge of who won.

I do not know how bad I would have been as president but the stress and anxiety would likely have made me worse and at best (yes, best) led to me quitting in a tantrum.

I do not fathom why Wylted won. I do feel I got manipulated to run by at least 1 member. However, it was my inability to go: "nah, I am too busy and this affects my mental health enough already" that led to me even being on a site I never should have helped grow with all my activity nor should have despised.

Mikal, sorry for assuming the worst. I do not grasp charity of the sort you got, blame my autism blame anything. There are many members perhaps including me that needed such money to help us gain independence or pay bills/fees. We needed it as bad and I do not get why you get to be the favorite saved one yet look at me.

Just look at me. The toxicity I got away with.

I helped build DART up from scratch but I tarnished it all the way through as well. I think it is a lie to say sorry for how I acted alone. I am sorry for acting at all. Even to myself. I tried to soothe pain of being a pathetic loser IRL stuck in a super toxic situation that covid lockdown exacerbated and was never truly mentally well.

I literally kept the same username not because I thought it was still entirely true but fear of others impersonating me. I didn't think I mattered that much, I thought somehow what if they did and what they do gets associated with me etc.

I live with that fear. That may never go. It is paranoia maybe but I am at a loss as to how to escape such a vicious trap. The only alternative would be passively viewing just to get a clue if such a member became obviously prominent, which would tempt me to sign up anyway.

Online forum addiction is not a specifically recognised addiction. I cannot be sure it ruined me or if I was already broken. The latter is way more likely.

I am not only sorry. I want anyone else addicted to this to please not make me famous for this post but to ask themselves and ask others the question if the wins are even worth it.

I am saying places like this are inherently flawed and bait people in let's say Russia or China to say stuff that gets them brutally dealt with. It brings out the worst in us. Even if we are kind, how can we help others? Some see that freedom as good. Why do you need this to feel good? Ask yourself why. Really ask it again, use your debating tactics to debate against the delusion. Then ask, even if that is a valid reason, is this even close to the best way to handle it?

I am most ultimately sorry for being a vibekiller to every single one of you. I felt I had to be special and active to keep the vibe up, I cannot undo this... Wish I could.