Men should be open to dating single mothers (I am con)

Firstly, my opponent has phrased the debate in such a manner that his position has become quite precise. He is not simply claiming that single mothers are less desirable than childless women, but rather, he states that men should not even be open to dating single mothers. This constitutes the crux of my disagreement with Con’s position. To not even be open to dating single mothers is a radical claim that effectively means the presence of another man’s children should be so off putting that none of the personal, sexual, or economic benefits of marrying that single mother can redeem the marriage.  Put another way, my opponent must be opposed to even the most practical and fruitful relationships between stepfathers and single mothers, if he even thinks such relationships are even possible. 

Marriage is a big decision, and that fact holds true when one marries a single mom. Luckily for the bachelors out there, the success of their relationship with a single mom is largely up to them. A study published in 2019 investigated the variables influencing the success of marriages involving stepfathers who married women with children from a prior relationship [1]. They conclude that much of the success in these relationships are vested in the behaviour of the stepfather. Stepfather’s who engage in affinity seeking behaviour with their step children see significant improvements to perceptions of family cohesion, marital quality, marital confidence, and conflict between stepfathers and their stepchildren. So should a man be open to marrying a mother with children? Well, the answer to this question rests largely on the prospective stepfather and whether he is willing to meet the obligations inherent to that type of relationship. Thus, if both parents love each other and the stepfather is willing to heed the call of parenthood, I see no reason why the stepfather in question should not at least be open to dating a single mom.

I am going to continue to elaborate upon this point just because of how important I think it is in refuting Con’s case. Considering my opponent is arguing men should not be open to dating single moms, he is arguing that the mere existence of the single mom makes the relationship irredeemable. The issue with this assessment is that, as I have proven above, the success of a stepfamily, much like a traditional family, is largely contingent upon the actions of the two partners. You cannot write off the relationship if the stepfather can restore trust between them and their new family. Are their unique challenges to forming a stepfamily? Perhaps, but I see no reason why these potential challenges cannot be ameliorated.

If you want proof that stepfathers can rise to the call of parenthood with a single mom, I point you to no other than Gerald Rudolf Ford Jr., America’s 38th president. Ford was named Leslie King Jr. at birth, after his biological father. While King’s father passed his name on to his son, his new life as a dad was rife with alcoholism and domestic abuse against his wife, Dorothy Ayer Gardner [2]. Gardner knew that raising a child under these conditions was untenable, so she left her abusive husband, and took her son with her. Now free from her previous marriage, Gardner connected with Gerald Rudolph Ford Sr.. Ford Sr. would subsequently become Leslie King Jr.’s stepfather. The young King lived a wonderful life with his mother and his new father, not even knowing Ford was his stepdad until his teen years [3].  King loved his stepfather so much that he even officially took his name after graduating college. Thenceforth, King would only be known by the name Gerald Rudolph Ford Jr. Ford Jr. reflected on his relationship with his mother and stepfather later in life, stating, “My stepfather was a magnificent person and my mother equally wonderful. So I couldn’t have written a better prescription for a superb family upbringing” [3]. As they say, the rest is history. Ford Jr. would rise to the second highest office in all of America, and eventually become president of the United States (even if he was never elected). Whatever you think of Ford’s politics, I hope we can all agree that Ford would have lived a much worse life had he stayed a King. Much the same, I hope it is also apparent that Ford’s father and mother also benefited from the arrangement. As indicated by Ford Jr.’s statements, we know Ford Sr. built a happy and cohesive family. Further, Ford Sr. got to enjoy a 45 year marriage (only ended by his passing in 1962) with a woman he loved. Gardner benefited as well. Instead of toughing it out as a single mom or going back to her abusive ex-husband, she built a new life with a man that really cared about her and her family. 

The case of Gerald Ford Sr. and his son should leave my opponent with a lot to think about. If Gardner raised Gerald Ford Jr. alone, or even worse, with his abusive biological father, who would have benefitted? Why should Gerald Ford Sr. have turned down a single mom, even if the love of his life was staring him right in the face?

Love is as sought after as it is complex. The relationship between two loving partners is truly a beautiful thing, and substituting this love with the love of another partner is not easy. Therefore, if a man falls in love with a single mom, it is not apparent to me that he can easily drop these feelings and go on to date a childless woman. Love is not as substitutable as my opponent’s resolution implies. My opponent may say that relationships involving single moms and stepdads are untenable, but there are numerous anecdotes which disprove this notion (the Ford family being just one). Further, I have also proven that marital quality and the health of parent-child relationships can be controlled by the actions of the stepfather. In other words, if a stepfather fails to create a stable, loving household, it is not because stepfatherhood is doomed to failure. 

I would normally save rebuttals for R2, but my opponent’s case is concise enough that I have no problem responding to it now.

This position does not make much sense. Just because a mother loves their child does not subtract from their love of their spouse. Also I see no reason to believe that a single mother will not appreciate their spouse.

I dispute this assertion. “The divorce rate for couples with children is as much as 40 percent lower than for those without children” [4]. Even if my opponent’s statements were true, it does not disprove the fact that a father has a lot of control over the health and cohesion of his family (as proven previously). If it were the case that childless couples were more stable, who says a good stepfather cannot provide that same stability? Again, my opponent needs to support the idea that no man should even be open to dating a single mom, so he needs to reconcile this position with the fact that stepfathers are more than capable of using good spousal/parenting techniques to build healthy relationships.

I reject this idea. Being a provider is important for some women, but women also deeply value love and affection. A man is not just a walking bank account to a single mom, and my opponent has provided no evidence to the contrary. 

My opponent has put forward a resolution which is undermined by hard data, real world examples, and basic common sense. I have proven that stepfathers have a lot of control over the success of their relationship with a single mom, which proves that stepfathers should be open to dating single moms if they have the requisite desire to build a loving family (which is holds true for men seeking women without children). 

Further, I have demonstrated that Gerald Ford Sr. made the right decision when deciding to marry a single mom. The relationship was loving and even produced one of the most accomplished men in American history. 

Lastly, I believe that love is something which cannot be easily substituted. Therefore, if a man does fall in love with a single mom, it is not going to be easy for him to run off and find a new lover. Hence, if a man wants to date a single mom, I believe he should at least be open to doing so.