Do car owners feel bad about all the people and animals they killed?
Nope. As a proud Audi owner, running over stuff is my passion. There's nothing more refreshing than swerving around at 60+ mph through the great suburbia, seeing what little collectibles I can get on my hood this time.
I've grown quite fond of my Q8, and you could tell if you saw it. The driver's side door is almost completely filled with tally marks, each carrying a blissful memory from when I would hit something new for the first time.
One of my favorites is Mark #174, my first time hitting a skunk. It smelled awful and I was pretty mad at the time, but it was pretty funny, looking back on the day. You would not believe how many times I had to wash the hood of my car. I gotta say, I never knew n-butyl mercaptan could melt and stick to the paint on the hood of a car during a hot summer day. Peculiar, isn't it?
I'm also a member of the American Booze Cruiser Association- Indianapolis Chapter, and let me tell you, we've got quite the competition going on over there. Right now we're having the 2023 Spring City Slamfest Competition, where the goal is to slam into as many pesky cyclists as possible. At 23 hits, I'm currently leading the field and am well on my way to winning my fifth consecutive title.
If I don't win, oh well. I've built up quite the competitive resume and am confident I will be a first ballot Hall of Famer when the city police can get enough evidence to pin me with a charge. Heck, I could be the GOAT someday.
Mailboxes, pets, childrens' toys- I've run over em' all. And yet, I still find something unique to run over at least once a week. Let me tell you- there's no greater time to get in on the action than now. Overseas fashion companies are paying better than ever for premium dog fur, and local crackheads love torn-up bicycles for scrap. And with all the rental cars the Association has right now, the hurdles for newcomers are at an all-time low.
If you want to try it out for yourself, DM me. I've got connections with every high-ranking member in the Association. They could lease you a decent-conditioned Nissan Altima for the same monthly price of a small town, one-bed-one-bath apartment. Of course if you ever want an Audi Q8 like me, you're gonna to need to work your way up through the big leagues. I can give you pointers on things like, how to precisely hit a basketball to pop it under your tire, some time. Just give me the word if you're interested, ok?