Disclaimer: This is purely for entertainment. It is not intended to parody any specific person, nor is it intended to be an accurate representation of the environmental movement. I am entirely aware that no one actually thinks like this (I hope, anyway). This is completely satirical. I do not believe any of this, nor does any of this reflect my viewpoints in any way.
Environmental Wacko Predictions returns after a week off to thank the random, uncaring universe that we have so many horrible things to be outraged about.
Running Record: 10-16.
This week: 0-1.
Sunday
Panthers vs. Falcons.
This is clearly a tough choice. Both are carnivores, so that cancels out. Panthers are black, but falcons are Animals of Color (AOC) as well. Panthers are endangered, which is a clear advantage. Furthermore, falcons are birds. Since windmills and solar panels kill birds, we can't allow them to get in the way of saving the planet.
Panthers: 28. Falcons: 14.
Ravens vs. Bills.
Bill Cody was an inhuman monster. He ran a traveling circus. Triggered! Ravens, on the other hand, eat the flesh of dead things. This is a clear example of recycling.
Ravens: 31. Bills: 17.
Bengals vs. Browns.
A close competitions. Bengals are endangered, so they would be the natural choice. Browns, on the other hand, are brown. Donald Trump hates everything brown, especially if it's undocumented migrants from Mexico. If he hates it, we love it.
Bengals: 10. Browns: 13.
Redskins vs. Packers.
Meat packers. MEAT *clap* PACKERS. I. Can't, Even. But if that gets your outrage going, just look at the other team. Redskins. That is so politically incorrect. It's cultural appropriation. It's cultural degradation. It literally erases their humanity. Even meat-eaters are better than that.
Redskins: 3. Packers: 7.
Lions vs. Vikings.
This isn't close. A beautiful endangered species against misogynist, racist, sexist, bigoted white men (but I repeat myself)? Shutout time.
Lions: 21. Vikings: 0.
49ers vs. Saints.
White Christian males vs. white Christian males. Some may bring up Mother Teresa, but pro-life women aren't real women. At least the 49ers were just greedy capitalists and didn't try to control women's bodies.
49ers: 17. Saints: 7.
Dolphins vs. Jets.
Cute, innocent marine mammals that are victims of climate change against the direct agents of climate change. Remember that just as people don't kill people, guns do, so people don't cause climate change: jets do.
Dolphins: 49. Jets: 21.
Colts vs. Buccaneers.
The slaves of humanity against the enemies of their masters? Weird. Buccaneers like going after greedy capitalists, which is definitely good. Colts serve humanity, which is bad. However, colts aren't human, and buccaneers are. Buccaneers, however, seek to stop global warming by contributing to depopulation. We'll have to give them the edge in this game.
Colts: 21. Buccaneers: 27.
Broncos vs. Texans.
Texans are villainous white slavemasters, but broncos are beautiful animals. They buck against humanity and refuse to submit. Way to go, broncos!
Broncos: 35. Texans: 20.
Chargers vs. Jaguars.
Charging electric cars is great, but jaguars are an endangered species. Which is better for the environment? At first, chargers look like the better option because they are a great way to combat climate change. However, jaguars do their part by eating other animals, which removes their ability to leave a carbon imprint. But at the end of the day, jaguars are alive. Chargers are man-made.
Chargers: 42. Jaguars: 45.
Titans vs. Raiders.
The titans practiced bestiality, which is despicable animal abuse. However, raiders steal and loot, just like Black Lives Matter. You just can't go wrong with that.
Titans: 10. Raiders: 23.
Chiefs vs. Patriots.
Innocent Indians against their heartless murderers! Indigenous peoples against mass genocide! Thanksgiving is racist! Patriots are racist! Bigoted, sexist, Islamophobic, homophobic, racist white men are racist! BlafudnifouldanvishnuisbetterthanjesusaghblaggerwihyouqwngaDDDIIIIIEEEEE RRRAACCCISSSTTTTSS!!!!!!!
Chiefs: 287. Patriots: 0.
Steelers vs. Cardinals.
To the uninitiated, this looks easy. Cardinals are innocent birds, and steel destroys the environment. Wrong! Steel is used to build windmills, and windmills save the environment and cut those worthless birds into itty bitty pieces. Take that, Arizona!
Steelers: 30. Cardinals: 14.
Seahawks vs. Rams.
This is undeniably a heart-rending choice. Choosing between these glorious animals hits me, like, right in the feels. But ultimately, rams, with their independent lives up in the mountains, their ruggedness, their will to survive in the harshest of conditions, symbolize the worst of all nations: America. It hurts just to say that name.
Seahawks: 35. Rams: 31.
Monday
Giants vs. Eagles.
The symbol of America against oversized humans with an oversized carbon imprint? Weird AND offensive. At least giants don't really exist, so they can't hurt the environment. However, they are also a part of traditional fiction that perpetuates sexist and racist stereotypes and was recorded by dead white men called the brothers Grimm, who were German, which was the country of NAZIS.
Giants: 21. Eagles: 35.
