Many people told me that I should kill myself because I am worthless, but here is why I wont do it:
1. I am a coward.
This seems meaningless, but I am just scared of death because its unknown. Like, no one knows whats it like. Maybe its super painful.
2. Maybe next life is even worse.
Its true that my life generally sucks. I have almost every disorder I can think of, which is statistically even impossible and I would not even consider it possible if it didnt happen to me. I am map, I have bent small dick, horrible back pain, weak legs, disorder with feet, horrible speech disorder, depression, bad teeth, learning disorder, bad memory, bad eye sight, terrible social skills, autism, anxiety, no social life, no friends, no job, very bad digestion, blood when pooping, oppoditional defiance disorder, too much addiction to smartphone, no will to live, basically constantly overthinking everything while at the same time not being able to think logically when under stress. I also have emotional disorder where I keep thinking about how much pain is there in the world. Other people arent this bothered by pain. Whats retarded is that while I care too much about pain of others as if it was my own, I also sometimes like seeing people in pain or being humiliated, which makes no sense. It is as if I have multiple personalities, which I probably have. When I was a Christian, I trully believed that I was a Christian, only to change completely few years later. I cant even seem to hold constant opinion, because I change my mind all the time. I also had horrible childhood being bullied and beaten all the time, as well as no functional family. Plus, I am a virgin who cant even have conversation with people because whatever I say seems to just upset people. I am also a coward, which I guess is an evolutionary advantage, or maybe just because I got hit by everything to the point where every next move comes with fear and doubt. What is easy for other people seems to be hard for me. I also have obsessive compulsive disorder which makes me focus on irrelevant things. Like, I once dropped a smartphone and even tho it wasnt damaged, I kept feeling guilty about it and remembering it for years. I simply focus too much on too many things. I failed high school just because my parents made me choose the difficult school I didnt want. I was one of rare people who failed high school and it just made me feel like I wasted years in school for nothing. I am also ugly and short, which I guess also counts as a disorder.
I probably have even more disorders which I am not even aware of right now, but what I am aware is that it can always get worse.
I figured if this life is so bad, then next life will probably be even worse. So I wont kill myself because I dont want to have an even worse life. I dont like taking risks because it was statistically impossible for me to get all these disorders in the first place, yet I somehow have them anyway, so even 1% risk is obviously too much.
