A Parody of this AWFUL Site... Ugg the Caveman vs Caiaphas the Meek...

Once upon a time, there was a terrible mix-up with a particularly ill-fated time traveler from the future. Due to a malfunction with his hoverboard’s router connection to his iPhone 27y, he accidentally crash-landed in our “modern” age, during a failed attempt to transport a live subject back to his time from a prehistoric era…

Ugg the Caveman found himself abandoned in Ms. Thompson’s sixth grade biology class. Despite Ugg’s violent nature and complete lack of exposure to several thousand years of human history, philosophy and theology, the students took pity on Ugg and allowed him to sit in on their class discussions… kind of like an official class pet. Over the course of the school year, they gradually imparted onto Ugg a very basic grasp of the English language, though they never managed to fully reform his inherently violent tendencies. Unbeknownst to either the teacher or students, Ugg was also greatly impacted by their daily discussions of simplistic biology topics, along with the general left-wing bias of the public school system, which transformed his primitive mind into a sort of single-track biology-caveman citation machine.

Effectively, if you can envision a mentally handicapped person who firmly believes that everything which was ever said in a sixth-grade public school biology class is universally true, and everything else is false unless it involves hunting mammoths or worshiping the sun, then you have a fairly good idea of how Ugg thinks.

The school year came to an eventual end, of course, so Ugg was sent out into the wide world… he stumbled down the street as if in a drunken stupor, armed with nothing more than an outdated dictionary which he had “borrowed” from the school… and promptly fell face first through the doors of a debate competition about to begin. Some of the more liberal organizers of the competition, taking pity on Ugg as what they perceived to be a local homeless man, decided to include Ugg in the competition. Brushing off his crude threats of violence and demands to worship the sun, the organizers gave him a tie and pushed him into the lowest tier of debaters…

Caiaphas the Meek was by far the worst debater at the competition, and one of the few deemed horrible enough to be pitted against Ugg. Caiaphas was well-educated and erudite as a general rule. He even had a good deal of formal debate training, and could be counted upon to execute an excellent presentation and provide a very strong opening argument. His great weakness is that he seems to hold only the most superficial knowledge of the topics he chooses to debate, and after a strong opening statement, the remainder of his argument falters quickly, as he merely repeats what he has already said while ignoring most rebuttals. Even worse though, Caiaphas earned his nickname “the Meek” by constantly forfeiting debates, often citing an obviously weak excuse and suddenly running off the stage.

As a note for readers, be sure that when you read Caiaphas speaking, you mentally picture the most effeminate male voice possible, particularly when Caiaphas says “but Ugg…”

During the competition, Ugg and Caiaphas debated each other three times, and… well, you’ll see how that turns out.

Their debates were always judged by the same panel of judges(also, one would assume, the worst tier of judges at the competition); Ratmir the Biased-One, Trifocal the Sock-Puppet, Utuhsmar the Serious-Vote, Droopy the Insane and Castrol the Token-Female-Character.

As per a common South Park disclaimer, any similarities in this story to actual users on this website are PURELY COINCIDENTAL… of course…

Ugg the Caveman: *GRUNT* “Ugg find dickshunary… dickshunarysay… SOO-PUR-HOO-MAAN… mean better than hoo-mon… Sun BIG! Sun ROUND! Sun are SOO-PUR-HOO-MAAN… THERE-FOR, Sun is GOD!!! UGG SMASH PUNY OPPONENT!”

Caiaphas the Meek: “But Ugg… What about the thousands of years of human history and philosophy that you seem to be ignoring? Countless numbers of our best and brightest philosophers, theologians and apologists have widely accepted that God is much more complex than you seem to imply. Not the least of this is the widely held belief that any object worshiped as a God would need to be sentient, which is a trait the sun notably lacks.”

Caiaphas the Meek: “Plus,the way you are using the definition of superhuman… we could effectively extend godhood to any object. An elephant is big also, so it could be a god. How about a whale? Whales are big, so they could also be a god. A basketball is round, more round than the sun actually, so is a basketball god? In fact, virtually any celestial object shares the traits you described. Why is the sun god, but not the moon, the earth, mars or other stars?”

Ugg the Caveman: “uuuuuuuuurrrrrrrrrgggggGGGGGGRRRRAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!UGG HAVE DICKSHUNARY! YOU ACCEPT DEFINITION! UGG SMASH PUNY OPPONENT!”

Caiaphas the Meek: “Uh… well… I just recalled that my employer is requiring me to work overtime…holidays, you know?” *Forfeits and runs away!*

*Round 1!*

Ugg the Caveman: *GRUNT*“Ugg… find dickshunary definition… of HO-ME-O-STAY-SIS… Ugg say that tree do…this thing… but hoo-mon no do this thing. THERE-FOR, tree better than hoo-mon! UGG SMASH!!!”

Caiaphas the Meek: “But Ugg… You are overlooking obvious philosophical elements of this argument. A tree isn’t sentient. A tree can’t enjoy a symphony, write a book or cook a delicious meal. And of course, the most obvious rebuttal is that a human can simply cut a tree down and then turnit into books about how awful trees are. A tree can’t do any of those things, or even defend itself against a human cutting it down.”

*Round 2!*

 Ugg the Caveman: “uuuuuuuuurrrrrrrrrgggggGGGGGGRRRRAAAAAAAAAA!!!!! UGG HAVE DICKSHUNARY! YOU ACCEPT DEFINITON! UGG SMASH PUNY OPPONENT!”

Caiaphas the Meek: “Uh… well… I just recalled that today is the day I usually teach Hebrew lessons to the kids… gotta go!” *Forfeits and runs away!*

Ratmin the Biased-One: “Is Ugg even taking this seriously? It’s like he is just trolling us! Why are we putting up with this crap? Argument to Con!”

Trifocal the Sock-Puppet: “HOLY MOTHER OF HYDROGEN! Did you people SEE that!? Did you!? It was the greatest debate of all time! Ugg just blew the competition away! And can you believe that Ratmin guy! What a dishonest bastard! How dare he vote against Ugg!?!?”

Utuhsmar the Serious-Vote: “Pro said that trees are better than humans because they are able to maintain homeostasis. This is true to a technical extent, but Pro ignored all of the rebuttals offered against it and merely demanded his opponent obey his dictionary definition. Victory for Con.”

Droopy the Insane: “This competition is a Russian conspiracy! The head organizer photoshopped my head onto a milk carton! You know the worst part? Caiaphas isn’t a Nazi… he is something worse… NOT a Nazi! Ugg wins!”

Castrol the Token-Female-Character: “LOL! <3 <3 <3 <3 <3!!! I vote Ugg!”

UGG THE CAVEMAN WINS!

*Round 1!*

Ugg the Caveman: *GRUNT*“Me…Ugg… dickshunary say… A-BE-O-GEN-ISIS… be creation of single cell… critter…without other critter… some chem-a-calls make it happun… BIOLOGY GOOD!”

Caiaphas the Meek: “But Ugg… you are completely ignoring the schools of mathematics, paleontology and philosophy which clearly disprove your entire argument. The very concept of abiogenesis is wildly improbable based on basic mathematics. The fossil record of Earth’s early history easily disproves the claims made by advocates of abiogenesis, particularly the Cambrian Explosion event which demonstrates that complex life forms formed very quickly without evolving from the simple single cell life forms you refer to. And then there are the philosophical arguments in favor of creationism, rather than the idea that humans just evolved out of some pool of goo.”

Caiaphas the Meek: “And please Ugg… don’t just say that I have to accept your dictionary definition. I know what abiogenesis is and Iaccept the definition… it just happens to be massively impossible based on everything we know about the underpinnings of the universe.”

*Round 2!*

Ugg the Caveman: “Arrr…um… er… UGG SAY BIOLOGY GOOD! ALL OTHER SCIENCE BAD!!! BAAAAAAAADDD!!! IGNORE PUNY OPPONENT WORDS!”

Caiaphas the Meek: *Caiaphas already disappeared while Ugg was struggling to think of a rebuttal…*

Ratmin the Biased-One: “Comeon guys… this HAS to be the most embarrassing defeat for Ugg yet. Not only was his argument predictably ignorant, but he clearly couldn’t even think of any kind of meaningful rebuttal at all. He literally tried to distract us and convince us to ignore what his opponent said! Con wins.”

Trifocal the Sock-Puppet: “The judges in this debate are just so obviously biased and dishonest! What did Ugg do to piss them off so badly?!? It is like there is some evil cabal out to sabotage Ugg at every turn! But Ugg is always right, that much we know for sure. Ugg wins again!”

Utuhsmar the Serious-Vote: “Pro described abiogenesis… well enough for a caveman I suppose… But just describing a thing, no matter how well it is described, is not enough to prove it exists. Conversely, Con demolished Pro’s argument with counter-points from mathematics, paleontology and philosophy. Even the Cambrian Explosion point alone would have been enough to win this. Pro didn’t offer any meaningful response, effectively dropping all of Con’s points. Victory to Con.”

Droopy the Insane: “An internet forum helped me self-diagnose myself with Creutzfeldt-Jakob Disease, Coulrophobia, Alien Hand Syndrome, Hylophobia, Omphalophobia, Boanthropy, Capgras Delusion, Nomophobia, Cotard Delusion, Ombrophobia, Diogenes Syndrome, Zemmiphobia, Kluver-Bucy Syndrome, Auroraphobia, Paris Syndrome, and a severe case of Ligma. That, of course, is why Ugg wins as he always does!”

Castrol the Token-Female-Character: “Hmmm, what? Oh… is it over already? Sorry, I was looking at cute puppy videos on my phone… I vote Ugg! Love ya babe!”

UGG THE CAVEMAN WINS!

And so, Ugg emerged victorious, having distinguished himself as the stand-out hero of the debate competition, even though his grand accomplishment was little more than convincing a slight majority on a panel of awful judges to vote for him instead of a guy who always forfeits after the first round.

But Ugg soon found out that this was perhaps not as desirable as it first seemed… for he had drawn the attention of Bashone the Vain, the head organizer of the competition… Bashone was a notoriously flaming homosexual who seemed to have taken a liking to Ugg’s caveman ab muscles. Being a homeless caveman in an alien time period, Ugg had few other options but to accept the rather implicit invitation to come home with Bashone, but first they needed to make a quick pit stop at the local “adult” toy store. Even Ugg’s“progressive” ideas about public-school biology hadn’t prepared him for the dark and vile fate which awaited him…

Ratmin the Biased-One was chased out of the debate competition by a mob of angry Ugg fanboys armed with torches, pitchforks and dictionaries.

Droopy the Insane eventually embarked on a world-spanning quest to become immortal… because he felt strongly that he needed to live forever in order to ensure that people would stop ordering drinks without ice.

Utuhsmar the Serious-Vote was banned from future debate competitions because of a disagreement with Bashone over the significance of dropped points.

Bashone the Vain announced that he would be taking a six-month hiatus from professional debates to work on a “special project” in his creepy basement. He was last seen accepting delivery of a crate marked “Industrial Strength Ball Gags” at his home.

Caiaphas the Meek replaced Bashone as the head organizer of the debate competition. This initiated a complex series of events which lead to the eventual outlawing of “professional” debating in 93 countries.

Castrol the Token-Female-Character developed a severe addiction to internet discussion forums and eventually became the subject of a court-order which excluded her from using any telecommunications device.

The Vulcan science academy was forced to retract their official position that time travel is impossible. Ratmin commented that Vulcans are nothing more than the science-fiction equivalent of Elves, which is why they are such arrogant asshats.